


⏳ Connecting...

by rainysunset



Category: Day6 (Band), ITZY (Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Time, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:34:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25780699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainysunset/pseuds/rainysunset
Summary: Childhood trauma keeps getting in the way of her relationship, and she wants to free herself from it. After experiencing so many failures, she finally found someone she can depends on, and effortlessly lead her through this first-time-sex experience. They both realized along the way that what they have is not only physical affection, but much more than that.
Relationships: Park Jaehyung | Jae/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer
> 
> Please take this story for granted. I'm not an expert and never experience this stuff myself, this is purely fictional, inspired by movies or series I've watched and other stories I've read all this time.

"Of course sex is the most important thing in relationship. Why you in relationship if it's not for sex? You'd rather be friends forever."

That statement spoken out by a guy my age successfully turn this boring seminar into a little bit more interesting. People laugh softly and start to give more attention to their surrounding. This is some kind of seminar or workshop to educate us to use condom while having sex, which most people here got it already, so it's been a boring 30 minutes until that guy answer the question the speaker asked nonchalantly. The speaker, who introduced himself as a sex therapist, kind of taken aback too by that guy's presence as he didn't expect someone would really answer his casual question.

"Right, for people nowadays, sex has become the most casual thing in relationship. Sometimes, that's the only destination for two people to mingle at one friday night, doing it is as easy as going to the cinema together."

But now I'm triggered.

"Because of how casual it became, and how easy people get into sex, the need to educate people about that matter is increased. It's little concerning to hear or see news about kids doing sex in their very young age without guidance in advance. So we're trying to educate people from the younger age possible, we can't deny the changing culture, but we can prepare them by educating and guide them to use cond..."

"Why can't we deny the changing culture?" I lift up my right arm interrupting the sex therapist' explanations, "Why don't we educate them about the proper age to experience it rather than giving lessons for how doing it safely in a very young age? Why don't we make them think that sex is not that great of achievement? That is not a race between your friends at school? Why don't we teach them that waiting for the right one is worth it than doing it with random people just to make them be a cool kid?"

"That's doable, but kind of hard and complicated. Humans have their own logics and desires and we can't just teach them and expect them to do exactly what we taught. It influenced by their surrounding, friends, family, neighborhood, lovers... It's easier to educate people to use protection instead."

"We have to do it anyway, so why would make it complicated? In the end, it doesn't really matter if you do it with a special someone or whoever at the spesific age or whenever." That guy speak again getting a little cheer from people at the back, mostly boys. "It's the culminating point of fun in a relationship."

"Yes, that's why we need to do it safely by protect..."

I stand up suddenly, completely irritated by his statement that I glare at him so intense. The therapist stop his talking, surprised by my sudden action, so does all the people here. I'm the only one who standing from my seat now, so visible for everyone to see. And I'm sure they can feel anger radiating from me as the room get silence.

"Being in a relationship is not only about sex." I say to him.

"But that's the most fun part, the main goal."

"No."

"Yes it it." A group of boys at the back answered me in a mocking way. "Stop thinking so conservative and just do it, Han Seolhee. If you were not so stubborn he wouldn't dump you like that. He just want to have sex, just like any other normal couple, what's so hard about doing it with him?"

I am so hating them, my ex-boyfriend's friends. They're jerks, what the hell they doing here? Is he here, too?

"Why you gotta be so complicated, are you a virgin?"

People start to laughing, don't know if they laughing at me or this situation or the therapist' face that got more taken aback by this sudden attention everyone give to this seminar. I gritting my teeth and clenching my fist angrily. I still glare at them and this aula still covered in laughter.

"Do you think saying that here will make me regret my decision?" I smirk at him before eyeing people faces fast in one quick glance, "See? That's how most boys' brain works. Aren't that terrifying? I definitely won't do it for someone like them. Sex is not THAT casual thing to do."

Some girls are nodding their heads aggreeing my statement. I know this event got further from it's main purpose because of me, but I need to leash my anger somehow. After being called out like that by those jerks, I just need to make everyone see my point, that it's not wrong to rejecting a sex offer from your partner or lover, especially if you're not ready.

"So, can we try to teach people how precious sex is instead? Before teach us how to do it safely, can you teach people how to be sure first for doing it?" I look at the therapist who still in silence, he let me speak up my thoughts. "And with the right person. Can we stop treating sex as a casual encounter? Can we make it special and treasurable?" I stares at people for the last time then stop my sight at that guy again, the guy who starting this sudden discussion, "We're not an animal, though."

-

  
Ryujin shaking her head left and right, gasping "Wow!" in amazement one or two times while watching a video in her phone. A video of me went crazy in some random workshop about sex. It was about protection, though. It was to educate people about the important of protection, though. It wasn't about sex in general, but I turned it into some naive discussion from conservative feminist' point of view. That's maybe what people think of me, a conservative feminist, naive, and definitely not cool to be partnered up with. It started by that guy, to be honest. I don't even know who he is, but that guy just easily triggered me with his statements. If I knew that my ex's friends were there, I would hold my anger a lot harder. Unfortunetely, they were there and got the best of situation like that to provoked and embarassed me.

But I try to ignore Ryujin's reactions and just eating my food in silence. I feel it, people's staring and whispering around me since that video posted on someone's social media account. And although I'm not that popular here, people get interest, and slowly talking about me. They start to find informations about me, who am I, what class I attending, from what year I came from. That jerks said my name clearly, of course it's not hard for them to found me. And when they unintentionally meet me, for example like this, when I eat my lunch at my campus' cafetaria, I feel it. Those stares and whispers.

But I just sigh and ignores it as best as I can.

"It's really fortunate that you didn't sleep with him." She take off her air bud when the video ended. "I just went away for a week but this happened. You really shouldn't hang out alone, Seolhee. What were you doing there in the first place?"

"I just bored that day, and saw the event poster, it held in the same building where I just finished my class, so... I thought it would be interesting."

Ryujin smirk, "It sounds more like, the theme of the event somehow triggered you because you're still upset to the fact that Hyun dumped you just because you don't want to have sex. You wanted to prove your point. Or you just wanted to talk or hear something about that topic to validate your decision and heartbrokeness."

Maybe.

"So what are you gonna do now? You lost Hyun, the 'best boyfriend' you kept bragging about, and you lost an opportunity to experience your first time. Now what are you gonna do?"

"I can just try it again."

She sigh, "But I kind of know how it will end again, though? This is not the first time, you kept doing this since..." She rolled her eyes, "...forever."

I look down and just keep focusing on my eating, take a deep sigh quietly hoping she wouldn't notice. "Sex is not a competition." I said softly, weak.

"I know, and we passed this conversation already, and you said you're ready. You're the one who said you want to experience it. Am I tripping?"

"Maybe I just need to find the right one first."

"You told me Hyun is the one. A month ago you said that Hyun is the best boyfriend ever who understanding, considerate, kind, and everything." I feel her glare at me eventhough I still looking down to my food.

"But that was a month ago! You just saw what his friends are like from the video! My intuitions are right about him. He stayed with me just because of that!"

"But that was your goal, too. Think back again, why you dated him in the first place? It was because you wanted to experience it, wasn't it?"

Right.

She's absolutely right, so I take another deep sigh.

"What's lacking about him, though?"

It makes me thinking, but the answer is still the same, I don't know. The more I think about it the more I feel that it's not him who's lacking, but me. I said I'm ready, but why when everything's there in front of my eyes, I got scared again. Once again, I don't feel like doing it. I lose interest again. I keep avoiding it again. Am I really strange? Am I really have some kind of serious anxiety disorder or something like that about sex? Why can't I like any other normal people? What exactly I'm scared about so much?

"Seolhee?"

I finally look at her, "Maybe he just... need to wait a little longer..."

"I think he wait long enough."

I gulp down, "Maybe it's really me who is strange."

"Of course." Ryujin makes me glare at her annoyingly, but she just laughing it away, "Of course it's you who's strange, that's why we discussing it right now, and yesterday, and even years way back. That's why we're working on it, right?"

Ryujin is indeed my best friend.

"Don't get emotional again, let's solve this problem until the end, okay?" She ignored my face that radiates gratefulness upon hearing her understanding words. "Now what? I need to know what do you want first? You want to keep trying? Or you need to rest first?"

"I don't have someone I can try with, though..." Maybe I said that as an excuse to avoid this again, I don't know. I just don't want to make her disappointed again this soon.

"First option, you can go back to Hyun..."

"No way!" I cut her words.

"Okay. Second option, just trust and follow me, then. This friday, at Half the Moon."

-


	2. Chapter 2

I can't believe Ryujin already got someone to be introduced to me this soon. I thought we will forget about this matter for awhile before she gets excited again to do this, but here I am. Waiting in one of the table of casual cafe near our campus. Half the Moon, a very famous place to get partner for a hook up. Almost all the customers come here for that one particular reason, everybody knows that already. This place is that famous for that. So when someone sitting alone here for like almost an hour already, people knows that he/she is being rejected. Clowned.

I take one deep breath.

I'm fine being rejected, I am so much fine if that someone Ryujin chose to meet me suddenly change his mind and decided not to come and keep me waiting alone here without any updates, I'm fine being ghosted, it's people's whisper that I'm annoyed about. People somehow still recognized me from that viral video about sex I unintentionally blabbered about, and now they starting to mumbling among themselves, makes my loneliness and rejection become an interesting topic to talked about with their partners as the way to get to know each other.

"He's not showing up." I gritted my teeth to her through the phone.

"What? Really? He told me he'll come, wait let me call him first..."

"He might saw my viral video then change his mind..."

"Han Seolhee?" A guy cut my conversation with Ryujin on the phone.

I turn my head and see him, a guy who I had an argued with, who made both of us goes viral through the video.

I hear the monotone sounds from my phone, Ryujin must be disconnected the call. That guy sit on the seat in front of me then. And of course he know my name.

"What do you want to eat?" He asked with his face scanning the menu book on the table.

I'm frowning my forehead, "You know me?"

"Han Seolhee." He said without moving his face away from the menu book.

"Excuse me, but I don't know you. I believe I'm waiting for someone else." Because the picture Ryujin gave me doesn't look like him at all.

"Sungjin won't come."

"Why?" I still frowning my forehead, though. He knows the guy Ryujin mentioned to me, the one who should be here to meet me as my blind date.

"He's not ready yet."

My frowning got deeper, "For what?"

Finally he lift up his face, "For another casual encounter." He smile, "On the other hand, I'm so much ready."

"I'm not here for that!" Again, I got easily insulted again. I absolutely am here for that, though?

"Aren't people come here to get a date?"

It feels like a crow just passed by. I thought he talked about sex when he mentioned 'casual encounter' on his sentence because of what we argued the other day. But, no? Was he just made fun of me?

"Who are you?" That's the only thing that came out of my mouth after our brief awkward silence. I feel like my cheeks are turning red. So embarassing.

"Park Jaehyung, Jae for short. How about pizza and cola? Safe and clean." He clear his throat, "Unless you want to go a little bit further, then chicken and beer?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Sungjin's replacement."

"Why?"

"I told you because he's not ready yet. Got something to take care of first before step into new relationship." He finally look at me again, "So what do you want? Hurry I'm hungry."

  
It was always painfully awkward in the first meeting of a blind date like this. I've done it many times through Ryujin's help, and all of it was awkward, especially when we were waiting for our food to be served. But with this strange guy in front of me, it surprisingly not. Because he just keep talking. He commented almost on everything that got his attention. And the most interesting topic he brought up is when he mentioned about how people kind of give me a strange look when they see me. Then it ended up with me complaining about how people sometimes whispering about me too since that video about our argue went online.

"It's all because of you."

He frowning his forehead while arrange the pizza pan between us.

"If you didn't say anything that day, I wouldn't get triggered and responded the question in anger."

He laugh without a sound, "Of course it's my fault. Men always wrong, all men do is lie, men are jerks, all men want is to get laid."

"True." I take a slice of pizza nonchalantly and eat it.

"Why you here, then?" He do the same, take a slice and eat it while asking that question very casually.

Wait, we just met, though.

"Just trying to find someone different." I said in the middle of my chewing.

"Too bad I'm all you have." He's busy chewing too.

But we're staring at each other. Me, with this strange feeling of surprised, him with grinning that radiating playfulness from his handsome face.

"But, are you really a virgin?" He said suddenly and it makes me biting my lips right away. "That's why your boyfriend dumped you?"

I take a really deep breath and count to three then decided to respon it in a calm state, I try to not take this as an insult. I try to be open minded and accepting that it's the fact, indeed. So rather than get upset hearing him say that, I smile and say, "He wasn't dumped me because I'm a virgin, he dumped me because I don't want to have sex with him."

"So you really a virgin?"

I stop my chewing as well as my hand movements, only looking at him who now stop his chewing and his hand movements too, I feel kind of upset.

My phone rings, helping me get out of this annoying situation.

"Sorry, Seolhee. Sungjin couldn't make it." Ryujin said at the same time when Jae excused himself to get another chilli sauce. "Oh, you're with someone?" She asked upon hearing his voice.

"That Sungjin guy sent me a replacement. Strange."

Ryujin kind of gasped, "Who? Is he handosme? Or just fine? And you get along well?"

"I'll tell you later."

Jae is back to his seat and start munching another slice then I disconnect my call with Ryujin. I don't know what to say anymore after that bold question he asked, and I don't really want to talk about that, so I keep getting myself busy by eating. We get silence until he finish a slice again and sit more comfortable, pressing his back to the chair and looking at me who still eating and avoiding his gaze. I somehow sip a drink as a way to keep avoiding him.

"So you do this to choose the right one to be your first?"

I choke on my cola and it's the worst feeling ever.

He just smiling looking at me busy cleaning up the mess I created, enjoying this game of teasing me he play alone. "You're so obvious." He mumbled to himself, "He failed, then?"

I'm gulping down and bite my lips.

"Well, judging by his friends who wronged you like that in front of many people... he surely is not worth it, right?"

"That's why I rejected him."

"Good job." I see him nodding his head agreeing my decision. "But then you're here."

"I'm not here solely because of that one particular reason."

"Really?" He smiles teasing me. "You're here for a serious relationship?"

Why can't I say yes?

Long silence.

"Want a help?" He suddenly closing himself to me, put both of his elbows on the table make our faces close to each other. Our gaze are locked.

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

We moved to a board game coffee shop. We can drink coffee while playing many board games they provides here. It's fun and kind of relaxing place to talk about heavy things in a light manner.

We're going to talk about sex.

Or more like... entangle her fear of sex.

I don't really know how we got this close to talk about this already, but she agreed to share what she feels about it and to summarize what we talked already, she is afraid. Not sure of why but she's absolutely afraid to start.

"The last porn you watch?" I read the quesiton on the cubic of jenga I just successfully packed out from the tower.

"I don't watch... porn..."

"Hollywood movies or series that have bed scenes?"

"Sex... education...?"

I smile, "At least you watched that. Your turn."

She take out one cubic and ask, "Am I your first?"

"Of course not. I'm so much experienced, no need to worries."

She's getting stiff again. She got stiff too often while playing this. It's not like we're gonna do it right after this, though. I just want her to relax and tell me what she feels about this topic, so I could understand her better before really trying to get it done. I'm helping her, and looks like she will receive my help openly. Maybe she's desperate.

"What are you afraid of about sex?" Oh, I picked a really good question. Let's untangle this.

She's thinking long. "I... don't really know."

"Are you fine with skinship?" I asked, trying to help her untangle it.

"Yes, touching, kissing..."

"On the intimate parts of your body?"

She glance her eyes on me.

"Neck? Behind your ears? Breasts? Belly button? Aaaall the way down there?"

She's gulping down. One problem's found.

"Are you afraid that it would be painful?"

"A little bit? But people said it will go away fast..."

I nod my head, "At least you aware of that. Are you afraid about getting pregnant from doing it?"

"There's condom..."

I nod again, "Are you afraid your partner will leave you afterwards?"

She can't admit that. 

"Because he unsatisfied with you?"

She's still stay in silence.

"Are you feel insecure about yourself? Your body? You afraid he will disappointed by your body? You afraid that the sex isn't fulfill his desire and live up what he dreamed about you? And ended up leaving you? Or are you have bad memories about it?"

Am I too harsh?

She lick her lips, still looking at me deep, "Help me."

I'm the one who get stiff now. I predicted this already. I sensed it, she will ended up taking my offer to help her with an open arms, but I never thought she would take this so seriously like that. Her eyes are determined and she's gulping down nervously.

"How do you want this to be? Me as your boyfriend completely?"

"Be my first." She gulping down again, "Help me at least until I have my first sex, I don't care if you're my boyfriend or not."

"I have one condition."

"What?"

"I won't leave you midway."

She's blinking.

"You can't push me away in the midway, can't give up in the midway, I won't go away from you until I succeed. If you really want to do this, you should do it all the way. I have so much confidence to make this work, your first sex must be done with me."

"Deal." She blink again and accept my condition fast, somehow fear flashing her eyes, but she cover it at her best.

She's not strange, she just afraid. And she need the right one to ease her frightened feels indeed. I'll be the right one, I can be the right one, and I'm confident.

As simple as that, we're going to be connected.

-


	3. Chapter 3

I must be crazy.

What am I getting myself into? I never found someone like him? Who see right through me just like that in the first encounter? He even blurted out all my feelings about sex like he knows me for years. Is he an expert? Or is he just someone who has many experiences? He hit right on the center of my problems confidently, and boldly offer a solution. He's not playing around the bush, he said what he wanted right on the start. He clearly declared that he want to do it with me, sex. He want my first to be with him, he said that clearly without a doubt, with those determination on his eyes, trapped me, allured me to agreed.

Makes me want to try earnestly, with my very best. No giving up til I make it, he brought that assurance too.

But why, though? What would he get by doing this? He got to sleep with me, that's all?

"He seems like a good guy." Ryujin's voice brought me back here. She's still click her mousepad here and there, open many links that gets her interest, giving her more informations about this man I threw myself into. "Oh, he play badminton." She said again when a video played showing him on badminton court, playing mix double with a girl who looks like our age as his partner. "Uploaded recently... Is he still playing?" Ryujin mumbled alone.

My mind is all over the place now. I look at her notebook screen but I don't really process anything I see. I see him do a jumping smash, backhand shot, drop shot, net play, but I still blank. Until I see him do a smooth perfect flick service that brought them a point right away, that's when I blinking my eyes in an epiphany.

That's what he do to me right now, in sort of way. He just flick the shuttlecock to me effortlessly like that, but I'm too taken aback to process it, and it already out of my reach when I finally try to receive it. The moment I realized what just happened, he already scores a point from me. Effortlessly.

Am I just stupid that I threw myself like that to him? Begged him to help me just like that? Even agreed to his ridiculous condition? What? Only him who can be my first? Seriously?

"It's escalated better than I thought, though. You got someone who seems like understands your struggles and miraculously offering a help, without mocking you and makes you feeling low about it. It's rather sweet, by the way."

Really?

"And now, he even good at badminton. You always like playing badminton. Just a perfect match."

"Don't you sense something strange? Unusual?"

She thinks, "What?"

"That's what I don't know. No matter how hard I think about it, I don't know. But it feel kind of off."

Ryujin smiles, "Maybe it's because you finally found someone different? You always talking about someone different, now you finally found it, it makes you feel strange?" She teasing me.

Maybe that's the case. Because I'm not denying that the moment he mentioned those problems in front of my face, there's something in me that force me to say 'I want you to take care of it'. There's this powerful feelings to trust him to take care of those problems I keep struggling with all this time. And it followed by the feeling of certainty that he can solve it. One way or another. That I can trust him fully.

Side note, he's the first guy who ever mentioned all those things about my fear of sex. That fact alone... it means he understands it, right? All the guys before him, they doesn't listen when I started to explained those feelings to them. Some just took it lightly, laughed it off, and forcefully erased those feelings in me, pushed me to act like all of it doesn't exist. Pushed me to just get over it and do it already. Which is wrong, I don't like that.

I want them to understand. I want someone to understand.

I blink and found Ryujin just looking at me, don't know for how long already. And she just smiles when I realized it.

"What?"

She smiles to tease me again, "He calls you." She grab my phone, moving it in the air in front of my face, showing Jae's name on the screen.

I'm gulping down nervously, looking at it.

Ryujin hand the phone to me, force me to answer it. "Talk here."

"Why should I?"

"So I can decides if he really a good guy."

I give her a meaningful look because it such a good idea, so I put him on a loadspeaker.

"What are you doing?"

I'm gulping down, "Investigating. Looking for informations about you...?"

He laughs, "You can ask me firsthand."

"You can lie."

He laughs again and Ryujin smiles nodding her head. "So what you found?"

I glance at Ryujin's monitor, to the already stopping video of him playing badminton. "You play badminton."

"Yeah, I kind of good at it." Pause, "Want to play together? I found something about you as well. You're pretty good at it too."

I see Ryujin's typing in hurry on her notebook then showing 'HE'S GOOD' to me with a really big font size, all capital.

"Sure, let's play."

"Tonight?"

"Sure."

"7PM at the campus gym. I wait you there?"

"Yeah, see you there."

Ryujin's screaming without a sound and jump from her seating on the bed while I'm gulping down nervously.

But why am I nervous?  
-

**-Jae's PoV-**

I smile when I see her figure come inside this gymnasium and her face got confused in an instant upon seeing many people instead of just me. Sana who's standing in front of me turn herself to her back because of my smiling face, spot her who walking here in rather careful step.

She smiles awkwardly when she finally standing around us, "I thought... you're alone..." She said with her gaze scanning people here fast before stopping back her stare at me.

"We're done, don't worry. He's all for you now as well as this gym." Dowoon said to her, smiling friendly. Just like how he usually is.

The others smiling too to her while saying goodbye then leave this gym one by one. She then put her bag on the nearest bleacher and getting ready, open the zip of her jacket showing her black sleeveless uniform underneath, fitting her body perfectly. Cute. But when she start to grab her hair with both of her hands to tie it in a ponytail, she looks completely different. Her neck and jawline is pretty. Looks so soft and warm, sexy.

"Who is she?" Sana's jealous question makes me turn my head again at her.

This plan already showing progress.

"My girlfriend."

"Liar." She smirk.

I see Seolhee start to stretching a couple meters away from us, giving us a little time to talk, to not eavesdrop what we talking.

"Ask her."

Sana turn her head to look at her who now stretching seriously with her eyes wondering at us once or twice.

"Since when?"

I'm thinking, "Two days ago?" I glance at her, "Pretty, isn't she?"

Sana smirk again, but now in disbelief.

"Go home, Sungjin must be waiting outside already."

She give me one final jealous, upset, and disappoint look before walk away. She put her stuff inside her bag carelessly, then lift it up. Walking away without saying anything anymore to me but I sense her annoyance, she stop in front of Seolhee, saying something I couldn't hear to her.

I see Seolhee take a deep sigh right after Sana walk away from her, frowning her forehead a little but then proceed to do two laps of light run before approaching me and drink water from her bag.

"Aren't you exhausted already?"

"I didn't play that hard." I watching her, "She's Sungjin's girlfriend, Sana. He didn't show up at the blind date because of her."

"But she likes you?" She grab her racket then face me.

"She's an old friend since my childhood days."

She nodding her head seems to grasp the situation already. "Let's warming up?" She smiles with one eyebrow lifting up.

I want to ask what Sana said to her, though. But Seolhee seems to forget it already, so I let it slip away too, getting immersed in our warming game instead. And yes, she's good at this. She's actually on the same level as me, a little better than just a casual badminton player, she must be practice in routine too, just like me and the rest of the member of this club. Where she practice, though? I never saw her here, and I've been join this club for quite awhile.

"You were an athlete?" I asked after she scores again.

"No, just like playing this since I was a kid."

Her moves are light, so light that she can run from one corner of the court to the other corner in a flash, her coverage is good. As a female player, her smash is quite powerful, and her ball placements are good too, quick and tricky. A couple more times sparing together, she probably capable to read my movements easily. Her only weakness is net play.

She even admit it in annoyance tone, "I really hate net play!" whining in a cute tone makes me smile and give her even more net play. "I hate you." she growled after she lost another point from net play.

But truthfully, every badminton players hate net play. It's the most ambiguous of all, most of successful net plays are depends on luck. I have good luck tonight.

"Let's bet something in one set game." I offered an idea. "Whoever reach 21 point first win, no deuce. The loser should grant a wish."

She sigh, "You'll win with those net play." She's whining again.

I laugh, "Treat this as a practice to improve your net play."

She groan to herself but do it in the end.

-


	4. Chapter 4

He win by one point difference. I sigh deep, just one point difference! And I'm so upset because his last point was gained from net play. That annoying net play. He has good luck tonight, most of his net play ended up a point.

I hate net play. It's just so ambiguous. I'm not even sure if a good net play comes from a good skills, sometimes it just pure luck involves in it. But yeah, I admit he's good. I can tell he practice dilligently in routines. And he's a member of a club, though. Wow, surprise surprise.

"How long you've been playing?" I asked when we sitting chill on the bleachers, gulping water and rest after that surprisingly intense but fun game.

"Since high school. I was in a team, did a couple of matches until I graduated."

"No wonder."

"You? There's no way you're that good without proper training."

I smile, "No, I just played it often when I was a kid. Never really doing it seriously. Just a hobby." Except that I played it with my dad who is a badminton couch for my school's badminton team. But I don't want to talk about him or remember anything about him.

"Let's do this more often."

I smile.

"You want to join the club?"

"No." I rejected it right away, "I hate when a hobby start to burdens me to be good at it. This is just a hobby, I don't want this to be more than that. I like it, as a hobby."

"Then just us alone every week."

"That's cooler." I smile agreeing, then silence creep in as we try to set our breathing to normal after that intense match. "Did your friends asked about me?" Suddenly I'm curious about what he said about me to them.

Most of them looks happy when they saw me before they dismissed. Well, except that Sana girl, she totally jealous of me, her face tell it all. And her words...

"I told some of them in advance."

I laugh, "What? Like an announcement? That someone would show up after practice?"

"Yes." He laugh too, "I told them that my girlfriend would come to play, that this would be our first date."

"Your girlfriend?"

"You don't like it? What am I supposed to address you then?"

I get silence and trapped again inside those eyes. Then I just smile because I don't know how to answer that question and he just let it forgotten with an expression saying 'girlfriend it is'.

"You know what to complete a first date?"

I know, a kiss.

"Stay still."

And I receive it, a kiss. Just like that, so easy.

I've been in this situation many times. Been on the first date many times with many guys. Read their patterns, and the first date always ended with a kiss. A casual kind of careful and shy kiss. But not with this kiss. The moment he grip my face with his hand, our kiss burst like a firework. It's like someone light up a firework inside this gym.

It got me so nervous.

And his lips are tasteful.

"You're fine with kissing."

I gulping down. I feel like I'll be fine if you touch me too, right here right now. For the first time I feel like to be touched. Should I just ask him to do it?

"I went panic when they started to touch me." I admitted just like that. Maybe being honest is the key of all this lessons. He's helping anyway. We're doing this in the first place to help me overcome my fear of sex anyway.

He gets closer and kiss me one more time, put his other hand on my waist, gripping it. Slowly move it higher as his lips kiss me deeper. He tilt his head to the side, press his lips even more to me in a new delicious angle, and I starting to feel his hands, creeping up slowly to my left breast. I frown and stop my lips' movement when I feel his hand there.

I feel his hesitation but he suck my lips and squeeze my breast and I jump in reflex, moving away from him in heavy breathing. My heartbeat is racing, it's beating even faster than when I was in a game trying to beat him just then. My fist clenched to hide my trembling self.

"Breathe slowly. Take a deep breath from your nose, hold it, then let it out from your mouth." He inspecting everything with those eyes while trying to calm me down. He keep inspecting me and my every expressions while I'm doing what he say, he seems fine and rather enjoying this.

Who is he?

That question help me focus on this moment again, take me back to this gymnasium. And he looks unexpectedly calm too, unlike those guys I've been with. They were look at me in disgust right away after saw me panicking. Well, except Hyun, because he successfully held it in for quite long time, that's why I told Ryujin that he was the right one. But I was wrong, because he wasn't that patient and his consideration break fast.

Jae takes me on a ride with his motorbike after that, to get some fresh air. He wonder the school's area until he decided to take me to Han River, sitting on the grass facing the dark river with fried chicken between us. No beer, he bought water.

"Who are you?" I asked after silence for long because of embarassment.

"Huh?" He let a soft laugh.

"No one ever handle it that calm when it happened."

"Maybe I'm a little bit different?" He tilt his head.

"No, I mean... that was what a therapist usually do. When they see someone got panick attack, that was one of the way to..." I stop my talking because he suddenly turn his head and staring at me.

"My mom's a therapist. More spesific, a sex therapist."

No wonder.

"I sometimes read her book out of boredom, and understand a thing or two. But that was the first time I really seeing what's written on books."

"But you handled it good."

"Yeah?" He smiles.

Ryujin said he seems like a good guy, and now I felt it just like that. His statement about sex that triggered me that day just suddenly forgotten.

"I used to hate it, the fact that my mom's a sex therapist. People look at her strangely, then look at me strangely too." He turn his face away, "I accepted that fact eventually but sometimes it's juts got a toll on me. Just like that day when we first met. I was pissed off of her, so I said that. For most people, sex is indeed just a casual encounter that shouldn't be a big deal, but..." He look at me and gets flustered, "...I guess that's not always the case and it made me realized my mom's role in that case."

Is this really our first date? How can we talk deeply and boldly like this about sex in the first date?

"So I'm sorry for saying that."

"There's this famous saying, 'you won't know how things would feel unless you're experience it yourself'."

"Right. Also, I've never see someone gets seriously in panic because of sex, that's why..." He look down.

I look far away to the river, "The worst hasn't yet to come."

"Let's... figure out a way to overcome it."

How easy that words are. I hope it would be that easy. Because I've been doing that and nothing's changed.

"You might runaway in the middle."

"I told you I won't."

How can this be a first date?

"So you better not too."

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

_Sana: I need this book, pick me up at 3 and help me find it in a bookstore_

I typing fast.

_Me: ask Sungjin_

_Sana: he's busy with his classes_

_Me: I'm busy too_

_Sana: you have no class at 3_

I close my eyes, thinking.

_Me: I have a date at 3_

_Sana: liar_

I sigh and put my phone away, trying to consentrate on my assignment instead. But my thoughts are everywhere to that night, to our first date. It makes me wondering and reminiscing everything, from the amazing way she kissed my lips to the way she held it in when my hand wondered her body. I wonder what if we go further, and further more. I wonder if she was a normal girl like others.

I take a deep sigh to stop day dreaming about it. Maybe I wouldn't be in this position in the first place if she was a normal girl. She would be happy already with her ex, she wouldn't get triggered at my words that day and reacted to it. If she was a normal girl, I would've been interested in her in the first place. Funny how my perspective about sex changed so suddenly like that just because of her.

My phone's vibrating showing my mom's picture on it. I think for awhile before answer it, glancing at the clock to check if this the time already for her routine call.

She asked basic stuff, how I'm doing, my eating habit, my classes, grades, basic stuff like that. Every two days. Sometimes it bothers me but recently, I kind of like it. Maybe I miss her. Maybe it's that period of time again to miss her.

"Mom, can I ask you something?" I suddenly asked, open up a deeper conversation. I never discuss this with my mom, I always hate when she taught me this, she knew it, but this time I kind of need a guidance.

Because I'm not an expert and this is my first time experience it.

"So there's this girl at my school who... has uhm... some kind of panic attack?"

"You learned how to handle it already, you forgot about it?"

"No, I remember. But, this is kind of different. Mom... she's afraid to... having sex and... got panic attack when she's trying. I saw it once, and..."

"You saw it?"

I mumbling a yes.

"Your girlfriend?"

I'm frowning my forehead, "Uhm... kind of..."

"Son, it would be hard."

"I know."

"I mean, for you. It would be hard for you."

Damn. I know what she meant. Because just then I growled while imagining her and the scene we did a couple days ago wondering what ifs. It surely would be hard.

"But it's fixable... right?"

"Of course. You got to be be extra patient."

My fingers moving on my table. "Is there something I can do to help?"

"Ah, it will be long conversation. First of all, what is she afraid of?"

Many things, apparantly. And I'm not sure about it yet. "She doesn't really sure about it too."

"How far you go already?"

I'm frowning my forehead to clear this awkwardness that appear as this is my first time I discuss this kind of thing with her. It's indeed awkward talking this thing with parents, although my mom is sex therapist. Or is that what makes it harder? The fact that she's a therapist sometimes makes me too transparant for her to see. Sometimes I feel like she could see right through myself without I even say anything about this sexual thing. Even back then after I did my first time, she knew it right away. That's why I kind of hate her for being a sex therapist. She judging people easily, and she judge it right. It makes people feel kind of vulnerable.

"She got panicked when I touched her boobs..."

"Frantically?"

"Just... breathing hard, trembling..." I try to remember her reactions better, "She jumped out and moved away from me in an instant."

"And what did you do?"

"I calmed her with the method you taught me. And talked it out after."

"You did a great job, son. First of all, don't push her, ever. Let her take the lead. It would takes long time, but it's for the best. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try too. You can try quietly, from little acts like caress her skin one at a time, get her used to it. And keep talking about it in some occasions. If you get any more details about things she feared, try to solve it one by one, you can ask me about it. Or I'll send you an interesting ebook about it..."

She's got excited. She's talking fast and got excited, not sure about Seolhee or the fact that I finally discuss about this kind of thing with her. But she ended up talking long and give many advices to me. And the point is to be patient. As patient as a monk, she joking it out. And I laugh at her bad joke, because that joke would be on me later literally.

"Keep me updates, okay?" She begged as her goodbye before end this call. "I love you."

"Me too, and I miss you too."

"Oh? Unexpected, you never miss me."

I smile alone, "I just... never say it, bye then, mom." I said before disconnect the call for real.

-


	5. Chapter 5

"What she said again?"

I rolled my eyes and sighing for like a thousand times already, " _You just want his money and social status, right? You're not dating him sincerely. You won't last, I know you'll break up soon._ "

Ryujin's thinking, "What she meant, really? If she's Sungjin's girlfriend, why she said that?"

"Isn't that obvious? She likes Jae."

"Then why she's dating Sungjin?"

I pout my lips, "Maybe she likes both of them."

"What a mess. And she threatened you for dating Jae?!"

"Seems like it." I take my phone out of my bag, found Jae's message asking what I'm doing now.

_Me: just finished doing an assignment_

_Jae: where?_

_Me: at the cafetaria right now, grab some drink with a friend_

_Jae: wait, I'll be there in 10 minutes_

_Me: okay_

I found Ryujin staring at me when I lift my head up from my phone.

"This is the second time, Seolhee."

"What?"

"The second time I found you smiling and wondering alone because of him."

"It's not him."

She pfted, laughing my bad acting off. "I'm glad and happy for you though."

I nodding my head, "Okay, thanks...?"

She laugh and cheering me in the end. So random.

Younghyun, Ryujin's boyfriend, comes slightly faster than Jae, but they has a chance to greet each other. We introduced them to one another, but Ryujin and Younghyun say goodbye right away as they need to do something together with Younghyun's friends. I sense that they're gonna having fun. It's friday night.

And it's kind of awkward when we left alone like this after that serious deep talk at Han River. I don't really know what I should talk about because our relationship is kind of strange. We might be a couple for everyone else, but it's just some kind of cover to name us, to simplify this bond. We're not the actual boyfriend and girlfriend. Sana's right. I'm doing this for something, not his money, but something different. And I don't know how to cope with this thing. I never really doing it like this.

It should be easy because I can talk about it very openly to him, it's just to start talking about that kind of conversation is what make this hard, especially here in public place like this. That night was easier because we were practically alone. Should we go somewhere more quite?

"Are you rich, Jae?" That question blurted out of my mouth as the thought about Sana and her words flash my mind.

He smiles, "Pretty much."

"Really?"

"Why?"

"Sana assumed I'm dating you just for your money."

"Was that what she said that night at the gym?" He laughing it.

"Yeah, she was pretty jealous of me."

"It happened many times, and I want to stop it. She should focus on Sungjin completely now."

"That's why you asked me to come to the gym at that spesific time."

He smiles again, "Bingo. But I'm sure she's not the topic you want to talk about right now."

True.

"It's kind of... awkward." And nerve-wrecking. Why am I nervous, though?

It surely is not fear this time, it's nervous. I'm nervous now, unlike what I used to feel. I used to feel afraid when I talk about sexual things with my ex partners, but now I'm nervous. It feels slightly different because when you're nervous, there's a slight hope in it. Hope to end the nervousness in a good way.

"I have a suggestion." He pause as he try to read my reaction. When he's sure enough that I'm okay to hear it, he continue, "As we both not sure about the exact things you afraid of... I mean the exact parts... Well we know now that you get sensitive when someone touch your intimate parts... but for other reasons..."

"You want to make sure?" I stare at him deep.

"Only if you want it. I'm not pushing you, really. I just need details to untangle your fears." He said it so carefully he afraid to hurt my feelings and makes me think that he pushing me to try having sex with him immidiately.

"I never go further than making out."

"Should we just use that as reference, then?"

This got me pausing for long. "Let's make sure." My soul feels like flew out of my body when I said that.

He might scared of me if he see my biggest panic attack ever. The only one who saw it was Hyun when he unintentionally forced me, then he ran away upon seeing that. He looked at me strangely. Jae might look at me strangely too, he might even run away too, just like Hyun.

But that's better. Better to make him leave me sooner than hold him here beside me and push him away in the end. I'm wasting his time, then. Isn't this better? It would saving my time too for trying with him and holding him to me in torture. If it doesn't work, it'd be better if Jae know it sooner so he could leave me sooner too. So I don't feel guilty for what I'd do.

"Let's try first." I ensure him.

He's gulping down and somehow looks nervous too, "I'll set the time."

"It's a waste of time, I tell you." I know this voice and my heart feels like stopping.

I feel someone's presence behind and I become stiff. Goosebumps when he put his hands on my shoulders so I shifted right away from him, getting away from his touch.

"Been there done that." He told Jae, "She's a waste of time. Not gonna work, she's a freak, upnormal, a mistake."

Jae get up and hit him. People gasping in surprised because Hyun swaying and crashing to chairs creating sudden loud banging sounds, attract people to give their attention to him, to us.

I hate him so much. He's not only a coward who ran away from me, but he's also a jerk. His friends are jerks and I regret for saying that he was a good guy once. I regret that I dated him back then and even considered to trust him to be my first. He just a jerk. He approached me and talked like that in front of Jae is even more disgusting.

But I stop Jae from hitting him again, some people do the same, but I'm the one who really touch his hand and hold it to mine.

"He's not worth it." I said quietly to Jae. "That's why I rejected him."

"Why am I not worth it?" Hyun get up, "I waited for you. I did everything you asked me to, I waited for you patiently. Do you know how many times you left me hanging? Do you even know how hard was that?! Of course not! You're a girl, you're a fucking girl, and every fucking guys should respect girls. But who will respect me?! Did you having fun playing me?! WHY HE CAN BUT I COULDN'T?! HOW LONG HE KNOWS YOU?!"

He glare angrily at me, standing so close to me to the point that I should be afraid. But I'm not. Not now. Jae holding my hand tight and I'm not afraid now.

"Touch me." I confronted him, "Touch me, I know you're dying to do that, SO TOUCH ME! I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE!" I'm screaming too at him, nearly cry.

I breathing hard and gripping Jae's hand so tight I feel it got numb. People are watching in silence.

"Why were you so afraid of me?" He step forward, closer.

"Stop, step back." Jae warning him.

"Those gaze of yours... they are different from back then when I first met you. When you kept talking about that... those gaze appeared and I hate it so much. It frightened me as hell." I holding my tears.

"What?"

Jae move to hold him for touching me but I grip his hand tighter without flinch a little bit. Hyun stop his hand that reaching out to me, staring at me too, now holding his breath. I'm scared to death but I win this battle against myself, because he step backward once, twice. He look at me for the last time and take a deep breath before finally turn himself and walk away. Leaving this place just like that. Leaving me nearly crying and leave people's confused stare at this mess he created hanging.

I feel my grip on Jae's hand loosen as I realized my feet losing its strength to support my body too. But he hold me right before I fall down then carrying me away from here.

I'm breaking down when we finally alone. He bring me to an empty park far from the cafetaria and here I am breaking. I cry hard on his arms, trembling. But relieved. I've never feels so relieved like this to share my sexual issue with someone. This is the first time I feel like I can be so open about it, and Jae just accept it, embrace it, even. Just how he embrace my broken self right now.

I hope he embrace me too later after he found out how strange I am, how all the words Hyun just blurted out about me are true. I hope Jae wouldn't run away like him.

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

She's scared to death. She keep saying it in the middle of her sobbing. And she's sobbing hard, trembling. It devastating and nothing I can do other than hugging her, taping her back, pating her head and shoulders to make her feel better, to at least stop her crying.

And when her crying finally stop, she stay still in my arms, blank. I give her space to think, let her sort her mind and herself first, let her heal with her own will first. Because she's different than yesterday, she's stronger now. Because she's embrace her fear now instead of avoiding it.

"Let's do it soon." She said finally. "I don't want to hold you for long like what I did to him. Let's try and end it fast. If it doesn't work, at least I'm not holding you and tortured you like what I did to him."

"It will work. We're gonna try until it works. I'm gonna be your first. I'll prove it to you that I'm the one who worth it." I know I shouldn't say something like that, it's cliché, and hopeful as much as it's dangerous. Well hopeful words are dangerous.

If I failed and give up in the middle, I'd break her harder than him because she's already hoping from that words I'm saying to come true. But there's this determination in me, and sureness that it really going to end like that. With me having her, being her first, no matter when, no matter how long I should wait.

Maybe my mom's right. It gonna be hard for me.

But look at her become so comfortable in my arms now while I caressing her back and head simultaneously. It's a green light, blur but still a green light. A hope.

So I grab that little hope, "Want to run away all weekend with me?"

-


	6. Chapter 6

I still couldn't believe what just happened. We were in Seoul for like an hour ago, but now we landing in Jeju, at the rooftop of a resort. I jumping down from a heli with Jae's hand holding me, help me until my feet touch the ground again. I agape my mouth countless times since he asked me if I want to run away with him through the weekend. First I agape because of his house, then his servants, a heli, now this five stars resort that I don't know why it quite empty from visitors.

I must be dreaming, right?

But no. I fell asleep right when we arrived and I'm awake still here, now facing the night view of the beach from our room's window, still in disbelieve and mouth agape open.

Who is Sana? Is this what she meant by I just want Jae's money? No wonder she mentioned money above other things.

"Dinner's ready, Seolhee." Jae called me, his voice sounds so soft it really suit this place's atmosphere: quiet, relaxing, peaceful.

I walk behind him to the dining table where two plates of premium steak already served, along with a bottle of red wine and two glasses of cold water.

What is this? Who is this guy? What am I doing with him? Am I allowed to receive all of this?

I keep gulping down so many times my throat become dry. He's cutting my steak very casually, like he do that often if not everyday.

"Delicious." That words came out just like that the moment the meat melt in my mouth.

"Soft, isn't it?"

"Hm, very soft. Delicious."

He smiles, happy.

But here comes the awkward silence again because I don't know what to say. Not because I don't have anything to ask or talk about, but because there are so many questions in my head, circling around. I can't really decides which I should bring up first.

"You slept so well." He started instead.

"Seems like crying took a lot of energy, I still feeling so tired."

"Do you usually cry a lot?"

Why I feel him become more gentle with his words and acts? Is it because of the atmosphere of this place? Or is it just my unreasonable feelings?

"No. I rarely cry."

"That's why you poured all of it at once. Because you rarely cry and just hold everything in."

Wow. What a logic.

"I was crying because I was scared, though." I take another bite and change the topic, "Sana's question makes sense now, you're super rich."

He smile a little, "This is all my parents' money, not mine."

"I still surprised."

"Relax here, okay? Do everything that makes you relax. There's five star spa here, I already made an appointment for us tomorrow. There's beach open for 24/7. Or just chill here watching something, get lazy. You can do nothing too, just rest and relax. You must be exhausted."

Mentally and physically, yes. He's right so I form a smile, a thankful one. "Let's do that together."

"Right, let's do it together."

"Where are you?! Are you okay? What happened again between you and Hyun?!" Ryujin's voice rising the moment I answer her call. She has been calling me all night, I assume, because there are 37 missed call when I turn on my phone again this morning. "There's another video of you going viral! What did you do when I wasn't with you, really?!"

I completely forget all about it last night, of course someone made a video out of that scene at cafetaria and spread it online. No surprise. But last night I had a very delicious dinner, another deep talk with Jae, and a really good sleep, too comfortable to minding about my phone or that matter with Hyun. It's rather good though, too keep myself away from phone for awhile. I just turn it on this morning, and as I expected, there a lot of missed call from Ryujin, agressively, judging from the short time gap between those calls. She must be worried.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE IN JEJU?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

I pull away my phone a little from my ear, give her time to screaming her worries and frustrations first. I tell her about this sudden trip afterwards. Not in details, just a brief explanation. And she turns happy when she heard me mentioning Jae. She understands and sounds more considerate after that.

I heard a knock followed by Jae's voice calling my name, so I saying goodbye at Ryujin after tell her I'm gonna go to spa with him, it makes her teasing me crazily. And cheer me in high expectation.

-

  
When Jae told me to just relax, or even do nothing but rest, I never thought that I will really do that. But I do that. We got massage in the morning after breakfast, went to the beach, walked around for awhile before lunch at famous outdoor restaurant here, got back to our room and chill watching some movies. I really not thinking about anything else. My mind immersed to the movie and for the first time in a while I really feel relax. I went holiday often with Ryujin or my family though, but it never felt like this. Somehow I ended up spending a lot more energy in vacation trip, mind got a little refreshed but body got more exhausted. Is that why I feel tired everytime I came back from a vacation?

But this is different. Right now, I literally didn't do and mind anything. I feel refreshed both mentally and physically.

"Feels so nice." I mumbled alone when the movie end again, the credit starts to roll upon a black background.

I'm on my bed under a blanket, my back touch the big pillow, soft and smells really nice. It still feel like a dream and I don't want to wake up. I turn my head to the left, to another bed where Jae is also laying down. But to my surprised, he lay on his side to watching me with smile, proud of himself upon hearing that little comment from me.

We watching each other for awhile, then. Soft music still playing as the credit still rolling, even the music is relaxing. Creating something, a moment. One nerve-wrecking moment but draw out my curiosity. I blink and realized this feeling, a strange braveness to try. Isn't this the perfect moment?

So I ask it out, "Isn't this the perfect moment?"

He blink once. He didn't think about it, apparantly. "You okay?"

"Right now? Never better."

He lift himself up, sit with his feet on the floor, still watching me.

"Let's find out my problems specifically, like what you told me." Although I'm still scared that you'll leave me if this does not work out, I added it in my head.

"What are you afraid of right now?"

I blink and sitting up too, "That you'll run away if this does not work out."

"I told you I won't do that."

"Let's find out."

Silence before Jae finally stand up. The music from the movie has stop, leaving the screen in deep darkness. My heart beats harder I feel like I can hear it now that the music's gone. Jae stand right in front of me, demanding sureness from me with his gaze. He take my fingers that unknowingly twisting the sheet nervously, grip it softly, touching my fingers and move his own fingers between the gap of it all, intertwining it together. My heart feels like going to burst out of my chest because of that sweet little action from him. It's just a simple act of careness but I feel like he do that to make me a little bit relax. He move our intertwined fingers to his lips and kiss the back of my hand, and I don't want to disappoint him. That feeling suddenly filling me up.

I move then, pulling him along with me until I lay on my back, with a pillow behind my head. He hovering above me still not losing our intertwined fingers, place it beside my head while he leaning on his elbows, watching me.

Handsome. He's so handsome.

"Kiss me." I can't believe I said that. But he give it to me, kissing me hesitantly and carefully, slow.

I kiss him back in contrast, urgent, tilting my head to take him deeper right of the bat.

"Relax." He said on my lips in between our kisses. "Relax, Seolhee."

I slowing down, as he said.

"Good." He whisper on my lips again as I try to control myself.

My heartbeat magically got a little bit relax too, his words working like magic to me, so I start to enjoying this slow kissing, feeling his lips more on mine, feeling the moist and the softness of it a little more, a little deeper when he finally deepen it. Feels like I'm flying. Moaning when he bite my lower lip softly, and whimpering when he lick the spot. I feel his tounge wondering, searching a way to get inside. He bite my lower lip once again makes me let out another moan and that's the chance for his tounge to finally enter my mouth, dancing a slow dance with mine.

My heart is going to burst, I never felt like this. Who is he?

He give me time to breathe and move his lips down to my chin, kiss it before going down even more. I feel his nose touch my neck first before his lips. I'm getting stiff. When his lips finally kissing my neck, I got stiff. I start to feel nervous. His lips wondering here and there on my neck now, in an excruciatingly slow pace.

"Breathe." He said on my neck and I do it, take a deep breath my chest moving up and down, I unknowingly lift up my face, looking at the ceiling giving him more access to devour my neck.

I grip his hand that still intertwining with mine when his lips come to my ear, kiss it and nibling at it slowly.

"I'm going to touch you." He informed me in whisper, on my ear, sending shiver all over my body.

I gulp down nervously. The last time he touched me I got panic and jumped away from him.

"You're getting stiff." He move away his face from my neck to look at me, "Take a deep breath again."

I close my eyes and do what he said, take a couple of deep breath to relax myself again.

He put his lips back on mine, "Focus on my lips. Feel it." He said it between the kisses.

And it successfully distract me for awhile, makes me concentrate on kissing him back that I didn't realized his free hand already touching my skin behind my clothes.

"I'm going to touch your breast."

My free hand grip his hand in reflex to stop it, my body getting stiff again and I'm breathing hard and fast in panic. Jae's hand stop moving, waiting. But not with his kisses, he keep kissing me, trying the same method, distracting me again.

"Feel my lips." Like a spell, his words work on me like a magic spell.

I'm back to concentrating on his lips again, forgetting his hand until it suddenly grab my left breast and squeeze it softly. I gasp and move my free hand to his neck gripping it so tight, another hard breathing happening, blood rushing, my eyes blinking nervously when he give another squeeze on it.

"Take another deep breath, slowly."

I do it, my chest moving up and down again but he's not stopping squeezing my breast, pressing it following the rhythm of my breathing. And it eventually feels okay, strangely. It's getting bearable little by little. Even when I feel his squeezes gets a little bit harder, I moan instead of panicking and ask him to stop. It's getting okay after some times. So I pull off our intertwined hands to hug him properly by his neck, while he put his now free hand to the other breast. His starts to wonder his lips on my neck again.

I moan louder, he squeezes both of my breasts still following my breathing pace, matching the rhythm. I'm getting wet.

I grip his neck harder, flying. Head's in the cloud, feels like I'm drunk, high. I feel so fine after awhile, so I form a smile. Focus on him and his ministrations.

"I'm gonna touch you there." but I can't really process it my mind already a mess.

My soul isn't here anymore, I just liking everything he does, and I just moan to express how I feel.

Until it comes.

I feel his finger down there touch the most intimate part of me when those images appear in my head. The image of my dad above my mom's weak body, both are naked cover in sweat, he pressing his weight on her while she begging him to stop. She's moving frantically to get away from him, it's dark but I can see them from the creak of the door. I hear her screaming in fear, asking for help but I'm too confused and too afraid to move. I see my dad forcing her to stop moving by pressing his body even more, take both of her hands above, lock it so she can't fighting while he start to move his body repeatingly towards her, hard and fast, making her scream and cry in every thrust. I see all of it in fear then the image suddenly melting, bluring their image slowly until it blinding my eyes. When I finally can see clearly again I see his face on top of me, pressing his body on me instead of my mom's. And I start to panic.

"No, stop! Please stop! NO! GET OFF OF ME! PLEASE NO!" I'm screaming, moving frantically just like what my mom did just then. I push him with all my strength, I feel like I can't breathe, but force myself to breathing fast and short gasping for air that I'm trembling.

"I can't breath, get off of me! Please!" I heard my own screaming, open my eyes and see Jae beside me, put both of his hands up in the air, watching me in shock.

"You can breathe, I'm not doing anything now. Breathe, take a deep breath, Seolhee."

I breathe frantically, my tears going down frantically as well. I'm firghtened, afraid. I want to go out of here, disappear.

"Get off of me, stay away from me." I'm crying in between my hard breathing. I get up and cover my head with both of my hands. "Don't do it to me." I keep repeating it and somehow manage to get off of the bed and lock myself in the bathroom.

I'm squatting down and cover my head again, crying alone even harder. I feel my body trembling hard, sobbing. Afraid, I'm so afraid, someone please help me getting away from this suffocating feeling.

-


	7. Chapter 7

**-Jae's PoV-**

I don't know what exactly happened to her. She was fine just a minute ago, but then suddenly she's in panic and freaking out. Now she's crying loud in the bathroom locking herself, leaving me hanging. I touch my face and take a deep sigh, confused. This is the worst feeling. Can't deny that I'm mad but I know I shouldn't get mad. I predicted something like this, I shouldn't get mad. But mad, I am.

This is so hard.

I can't do it, this is worse than I can imagine. I just walking around this room back and forth, thinking of what should I do. How can I calm her now? How can I fix this? No, I can't.

This is too hard, I can't do this. I want to run away. This feeling of being rejected is real. I never felt like this but I thought I can handle it and get through it. I never thought it'd be this bad.

Was I too overconfident?

But her words stop me from leaving. I close the door I just opened and sighing deep once again. This is what she's afraid of. She's afraid that I would leave her if this does not work. Well, it's not working out. I'm breathing hard, start to walking back and forth again. Sounds of her crying still filling this room, and there's nothing I can do other than waiting for her to calm down. I should just give her time and space to calm down.

So I take care of myself alone in the end, doing push up to calming me down. I feel stupid but I don't know what else I could do to ease this painful throbbing.

My phone rings distracting me.

"Dad?" I answer it, still breathing hard but try to hide it.

"What are you doing in Jeju when Sana is hospitalized?! It's not even holiday season!" He kind of scream in upset at me without any preamble or casual greeting.

"She's in good hands, then."

"Come back quick and visit her!" Then he disconnect the call just like that.

I sigh and just about to call Sungjin when my mom sent a message asking me to see Sana quickly. I gritting my teeth and biting my lip, hating it when my family acting like this. We owe so much to Sana's family but this is not how they should act around them. They're being controlled, and they ended up controlling me.

I'm sick and tired of this, really. I really want to end it, but I don't know how. Sana is still that stubborn and childish who has power to control me and my family. I really hate this situation, because I can't do anything but to obey. At least until I free myself from this family and live my own life without they have to supporting my needs, I need to obey. I really wish that day would come fast, really.

But now, Seolhee first. Her crying got quieter now so I knock on the door twice.

"Seolhee, I'm sorry but... I have to go first, something urgent happened, and I... have to be there." No respon but her crying stop completely. "I text you a number, call him if you need something... or if you want to go home tonight... or tomorrow morning. I don't know it's all up to you. But I need to go first. Sorry." Still no respon so I walk away, leaving this place for real to deal with Sana's stubborness and jealousy.

"You look so much fine." I said to her right when I see her smiling, sitting comfortably on the hospital bed.

"I got better when I heard you coming."

"Sungjin?"

"He left just then."

"More like you force him to leave?"

She's smiling unregretful. "So that you can take care of me freely like the old days."

I sigh, "Sana, stop doing this."

"Why? You just taking care of your sick friend, so why?"

"Sungjin can take care of you."

"But I want you to take care of me too!"

"You chose him!"

"That's because I never thought you'd leave me!"

"I never leave you. I'm still your friends."

"So what are you doing with her in Jeju?!"

I sigh, tired. God I'm so tired. I provided Seolhee time and place to rest but I'm the one who got tired instead.

"I like her." Really? Is this me saying an impulsive thing just to get out from this situation?

"Not as much as you like me. You just met her."

"I like her more these days."

"That's because you rarely spend time with me these days. I give us a moment now. Let's spend it together just like the old days."

"You can't do this to Sungjin."

"Sungjin will understand. He always understand that I need you, I need my best friend sometimes."

"You can't do it like this anymore. Sana, please. I won't leave you I promise. We're still friends no matter what, but you can't doing it like this. You even faking your health, you're completely fine."

"I don't like seeing you with someone else. You used to only taking care of me."

I nodding, "But then you chose Sungjin."

"I never thought you'd find someone else to replace me!" She's screaming annoyingly. Annoyed at my stubborness, who's matching her stubborness perfectly. "I don't like her."

"You don't know her."

"I don't want to know her. She's not suit you even a little bit."

I gulping down and got silence.

"Just break up with her. Leave her and get back to take care of me, you'll end up break up with her anyway. Dating her only wasting your time."

Why is she saying something like that jerk said about Seolhee? Is it really wasting my time? Especially after what just happened, am I really wasting my time?

I turn around without saying anything anymore and walk away, make her screaming angrily, calling my name repeatedly. My mind is in a mess I starting to feel the pain, so I stop walking and sitting on one of the sofa at the lobby, trying to ease the pain in my head. I close my eyes and put my face on my palms, sitting quietly like that for awhile. I try to emptying my head but Seolhee's voice keep playing filling every corner.

_I'm afraid you'll leave me if it doesn't work._

Again and again, her words repeating again and again. Is this guilty covering me? Am I just like any other guy she dated before now? Running away because she couldn't having sex with them? Why I offered her a help in the first place and even promised that I won't leave? Where does that confidence came from? Am I regret it now that I saw the worst of her?

She needs me.

That realization hit me just like that, consuming me, taking over all the ambiguous questions that has been going around inside my head.

She's neither strange nor a freak. She want to fight and overcome it that's why she came to Half the Moon that day. She want to overcome it, but she need someone patient enough, considerate and understand her enough to walk with her through this. She's hurting everytime she's left alone, she must be hurting too right now, alone.

That's why I should come to her, be with her. Forget about what just happened and try again. At least I should try again.

So I make a call, making sure that she's still there. I'm the one who will come to her.

-

I open my eyes and see him, found him laying on his side on the other bed accross mine, watching me. My heart flinch, didn't expect it.

He's back.

I already used to being left alone after they saw me at my worst state. It hurts everytime to be left alone at my lowest condition but I'm used to it now, so I didn't expect anything new from him. Well, I'm hoping a little bit, but still expect nothing.

But he comes back and smiling to me calmly.

I get up from my position and sit to see him better, "You're back."

"I'm back." He get up too, sitting with his feet touching the floor again, just like last night before we started to get lost in kissing each other.

He's staring at me, at my sleeveless white night gown and I feel shy suddenly, pulling a blanket and covering myself slowly without breaking our eye contact. I thought he wouldn't come back so I wear this gown, a little bit skin-revealing sleep gown as my effort to restore my confidence back after I ugly exploded last night.

I'm gulping down when Jae start to approaching me, my sight never leave him until he sit close beside me, makes me move myself a bit in order to keep facing him, the blanket moving along and fall down showing my bare right shoulder again, only the thin strap of the gown there sitting comfortably still. I ignore the falling blanket because I still trapped in his eyes, couldn't do anything other than breathing. I kind of nervous.

Is he mad? Upset? Annoyed? Angry? Hopeless? Is he think I'm strange and a waste? Just like what Hyun said, a freak?

Jae lift up his hand and I try really hard to not flinch or move away as my effort to not disappoint him even more, letting him touch a strand of hair on my forehead, very gentle, then tuck it behind my ear, followed by his fingers moving down touching my ear, my neck, until it meet my hair and moving it to my back to fully showing my neck. He caress my neck then with the back of his forefinger. Light touch up and down that sending shiver right through my body. He smile and looking down, staring at my bare shoulder while I still watching him nervously. Then he moving up the blanket to cover it again, his hand hanging there.

There's another flinch on my heart so I blink rapidly.

He stare at my covered shoulder for a little longer and ask, "Breakfast? You must be hungry, crying hard took a lot of energy."

We're staring, "Can I... wash my face and brush my teeth first?"

He smile so wide and bright and dazzling. Why he looks so happy? I don't understand.

"Take your time."

And yes I take my time. I'm watching myself on the mirror long after washed my face and brushed my teeth. I'm gulping down a couple times too. I focus on staring my neck and bare shoulder where he touched it, and I grab my hair unknowingly, tying it into a ponytail. I'm staring at my neck again, being fully shown now.

Why? Do I want him to touch it again?

I blink and pull off the hair band makes my hair back to fall again as an effort to get back to my senses.  
  


"Your urgent thing... it went well...?" I asked quietly.

"It wasn't urgent, I got clowned." He laugh, "I shouldn't leave, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. You must be shocked."

He smile, "Yes, I got shocked. I didn't know what to do, never thought it'd be that bad. I overcame it back then at the gym so my confidence raise high, but I didn't know that it would be that bad..."

I'm gulping down, "I'm really strange, right?"

"No, you're just different. And because this is my first time seeing someone different, I got a little taken aback." He pause, "We can try again, as I promised you."

I moving my fork nervously, "It's okay if we stop..."

"Are you giving up?"

"It must be hard for you."

"If I say I'm okay, that's absolutely a lie. But... to give up this soon isn't my style."

"Why you doing this? Why you want to help me?" I finally lift my head up to look at him.

"I don't know. Since that day we first met... hearing that guy talking about you like that... and because my mom is a sex therapist... I don't know... "

"You pity me."

"Probably. They said there's a thin line between pity and emphaty."

He's so sincere with his words, why? Those eyes never lie.

He smiles trying to take this conversation to the lighter way, "Or maybe because you're pretty. Also, I've been thinking all night... I think I know from where we should start again."

I tilted my head.

"I'll give you a homework. Standing in front of the mirror naked for 3 minutes. Send me picture as a proof."

"What?"

"Accept and embrace yourself first, so you have confidence to show yourself to someone. To me."

What?!

I'm nervous already. I never... see myself naked as far as I can remember...? What is this? What method is this?

"Let's do it properly now, step by step. We'll untangle it step by step." That confidence again. That confidence he talked about, it shows once again.

-


	8. Chapter 8

"Still not done yet?" Ryujin asked in annoyance.

Meanwhile I still walking back and forth with a towel covering my full body, stopping once in a while in front of the mirror, get nervous but then get blank and walking back and forth again.

"We're really gonna be late if you're not get out now."

I sigh in the end. This is my second attempt to get my homework done, but looks like it meets another failure now.

"What's wrong? Your stomach hurt?" She's looking at me in worry the moment I step outside of bathroom. "You're so pale, which one is painful?" She touching my cheeks and forehead to check my temperature.

But I'm fine, physically.

"I'm fine."

"So what takes you so long?"

Then I just blank, should I just tell her? About this strange homework Jae gave me? It's getting a toll on me. I was fine facing a failure after my first attempt, I don't really minding about it, but now it starting to messing up my mind. It keep making me thinking of it, distracting myself from what I should be doing, drifting my thoughts from important things I should think about. I thought I wouldn't mind this that much, but after facing another failed attempt, it start to get on my nerve.

Is this really that important?

And I'm gonna meet Jae tonight for our badminton practice -well not that we really practice seriously like an athlete do- and it gets me kind of uncomfortable for still not finishing that homework. I thought it wouldn't be this hard.

I just take a deep breath in the end for answer Ryujin's worry questions, assure her that I'm fine before quickly dressing up.

My classes success bring my mind and thoughts to stop thinking about that homework for awhile. But that's the key, for ahwile. Because I wonder about that again when we're walking down the street -me, Ryujin, and Younghyun.

"Ryujin... do people usually look at their naked body through the mirror?"

Younghyun choke on his ice americano.

"I do it often." She said.

I look at Younghyun, "My shower stall kind of reflecting myself so I guess I do it everyday...?" He answered after thinking for awhile.

"Why?"

"You don't do it?"

Ryujin and Younghyun asking back and forth, looking at me with the same curious expressions. And I avoid their gazes with all my best.

"Really? Like, at all?" Ryujin makes sure, "But why you asked that now? Is this bothering you now, so you asked us?"

"Not really... just curious... so that's a kind of normal thing to do, then...?" I get a little stuttered.

"Of course, it's very normal thing to do." Younghyun said, "It kind of gave you confidence about yourself in a strange way..." He sipped his ice americano again.

"Really?"

"Try it yourself."

That's the problem, I said inside my mind. I'm gulping down.

"Anyway, what about a movie tonight?"

"She has badminton date tonight, let's just chill at our house? We'll have the house for ourselves for like 3 hours." Ryujin smile to tease him, blinking and lifting up her eyebrows at him.

Then they talking between themselves, got excited while I'm here unknowingly thinking about a way to getting away from tonight's practice. An idea popped up suddenly.

"What about join us? We can make it as a double date?"

"And play badminton?" Younghyun asked in disbelief, kind of rolling his eyes, saying 'are you kidding?' implicitly.

But Ryujin show the opposite reaction, "That sounds fun!"

"Since when you think playing badminton is fun?"

"Babe, you have to see it in different way. Playing badminton is not what important here, we're hanging out together, that's what important!" Ryujin moved her hands here and there following her talking, "You said you want us to hang out together in a double date!"

"Yeah, I kind of curious about him. Is he going to be another Hyun? Hmmm...." Younghyun touching his chin, wonder in pure curiousness.

Me and Younghyun's gaze meet, and we're staring kind of meaningful stares.

"Want to bet? I think he's a good guy unlike the others." Ryujin proposed.

"Okay, but I think he'll failed just like the others. He'll lose patient in a month."

I laugh, "A month?!"

"Hey, Hyun lasted for 6 months!"

"Two months, then."

I laugh again. But I feel Jae will last longer, though? He came back after witnessed my worst panic attack, and with this homework he gave me, I feel like I finally trying seriously with someone who's worth it, someone who's understand, supportive, and considerate. So I hope he'll patient enough. He should be patient enough.

If he really should be the one like he said, he should be patient first. It'll be a hard lonely battle against himself and I'm very sorry for making him go through that painful way, but he really just need to be patient.

-

**-Jae's PoV-**

She's still not doing her homework, because she's still not send me any picture. I kind of sense it, when she stepped inside this gym with Ryujin and Younghyun, I sense her effort to avoid talking about that homework by bring her friends to distract us, or especially me, for asking her about that matter.

And she succeed, because their presence really made me forget all about it throughout the game. Surprisingly, Younghyun keeping up with the game nicely, being a fine partner to beat the girls. Ryujin is a blackhole by the way, Seolhee works so hard to cover the court by herself, and I smiling liking it, watching her nagging to Ryujin annoyingly every once in a while. She's cute, she's pouting her lips so much, she letting out her emotions freely. Kind of different from Seolhee that I know, who often look extra careful and cautious, afraid and frightened when she was with me all this time.

She looks more like herself now, without minding her thought about sex issues she has and how she should deal with it, she looks very much alive and bright. Just like what people called and expected her to be, normal. Maybe I really shouldn't force her. I just need to be patient. Maybe we really should forget about it and enjoy this relationship just like any other relationship in a relax way. Maybe that's the best way to help her instead.

I laugh so much too, tonight. We laugh so much. Ryujin is indeed one funny girl, and Younghyun is the type of man who melt the awkwardness of first meeting. He guide this sudden double date professionally, drive it to rather fun way. So we unexpectedly got one step closer after the game. We're talking casually when we waiting for the girls whose excused themselves to the toilet.

And for this talking I had with Younghyun, I learned that they are friends since the first semester, went to the same class and were in the same study group. In certain point, Younghyun and Ryujin happened to be dating while Seolhee also got interested in some guy who Younghyun remembered as the first jerk she met in this school. Then he kind of telling me her stories with guys she dated all this time in a brief quick explanations.

"To summarize, they're all jerks. And she always blind to see it sooner."

I just smiling because I'm afraid that I'll end up being another jerk for her.

"But to be fair, it wasn't only the guys' fault. I might couldn't hold it in too if I were them. A couple really should having sex after awhile, can't deny that fact." He looking far away to the front, to the other side of the gym, wondering.

He said it just like how I said it that time in a sex seminar where me and Seolhee ended up arguing.

"I don't know how bad it is when the panic attack happen..."

"So bad."

"You saw it?"

"Once."

"What did you do, then?"

I take a pause, "I left her." he turn himself to me, "Just like the other guys before me, I guess." I smile a little helpless to him, "I left her alone. I came back but still feel so sorry to her. I told her to trust me but I left her just like the others."

Silence.

"Well at least you came back. The others never come back." He pat my back several times, "So fighting. I have ensured myself that you're the one. Please just be patient. I approved you to be the one."

I'm smirking and can't help but let out a laugh.

"GUYS SEOLHEE IS WEIRD AS HELL!"

Ryujin's screaming loud from the other side of the gym but Seolhee silenced it quickly by put her palm on Ryujin's mouth, prevent her to say anything. Then they quarreling alone, arguing in the middle of laughing, getting hype among themselves with Ryujin keep trying to free herself from her.

"What's happening?" I asked confused upon seeing that. I never see her looks so carefree like that. She's smiling wide, it's beautiful.

"Just being their true self." Younghyun said when they both running around, Seolhee still trying to make Ryujin shut her mouth up.

"Okay, I won't say it, get off of me." Ryujin said mumbling with Seolhee's palm on her mouth. They're standing in front of us now.

Seolhee put her palm away slowly but then Ryujin scream again, "She said she feel like to get nak..." but Seolhee put her palm back on her mouth to silence her again. Ryujin's screaming and laughing happily enjoying it.

We give them time to let them settle between themselves before we finally walking out of this place. Ryujin give me a meaningful look, that I don't understand, before we part ways from each other.

"Ready?" I glance at her from my bike's rearview mirror.

"Yes!" She said in so bright tone, I see her still smiling excitedly so I smile along before finally drive my bike away from here.

-

  
We stop by the convenience store, found each other licking the lid packaging of our own yoghurt, then laughing at it.

"You do that too?" I asked amazed.

"Of course, that's how we should eat it."

I laugh again before finally spoon the yoghurt and eat it, still feeling unreasonably good and exciting. The double date was somehow so fun, I laugh so much after awhile, I couldn't remember when the last time I laugh that freely. I feel really good to the point that I unknowingly mumbled to see myself naked through the mirror right when Ryujin was walking out from one toilet cubicle. She heard it and got too happy immidiately then started screaming to the boys to told them. But I did a good job silenced her.

Jae doesn't need to know. I successully prevent him to think and talk about that homework, though. Ryujin and Younghyun was indeed a big help to distract him, I should treat them delicious meal later. I succeed to distract Jae from talking about it, but suddenly I felt like doing it. When I saw myself through the mirror in the bathroom just then, standing alone waiting Ryujin finish her business, I suddenly want to do it. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm too happy after that badminton game with them, or maybe because I laughed and screamed so many times, or maybe just because I'm in a good mood, or the fact that Jae seems like forgetting it and got me feel less pressured. Even now. He just enjoying his yoghurt and giving me his smiles in between his eating.

I'm the one who bring it up, "Why you didn't say anything about my homework?" surprisingly, I asked that with smiling.

He take one spoonfull of yoghurt before answer, "Don't want to ruin this happy moment."

I smile wider hearing that.

"You looks so happy tonight, you're smiling so wide. This is my first time seeing it, I don't want to ruin it. Also, take your time. You can take your time and do it slowly, I don't want to push you. Do it when you feel like doing it."

I'm impress, so I smile even wider. And I feel like doing it now, strange.

"Something good happened?"

"I just... feel good? And happy because the double date turned out fine...? That you got along well with my friends even if that was your first time hanging out with them...?"

And you looks so good and handsome now? Smiling to me so genuinely in between your eating? Making me feel so much better? I added that only in my head.

"You're smiling a lot too, something good happened?" I turn the attention to him.

"I'm smiling because I see you smile."

"Without something particular? Eey, no way."

"Yes way."

"At least I made up reasons for my smiling..."

"That's my reason, though."

"No way."

"Or maybe because I did well on my assignment today."

"Right, that's more like it."

"And we beat you on the game."

"Right, there's that too." I'm smiling in annoyance hearing that.

"You keep losing against me, what should we do? I have so many coupon wishes now."

"That's what I mean! Don't you have something you want now?"

"I want to spend more time with you tonight."

I don't know if he joking or what, but I smile, "You can't, I have many homeworks to do. Let's go, now." I take our empty yoghurt can and toss it to trash bin, jump down from the chair and walk away from him.

I feel him behind me, walking close then take my hand just like that, holding it with his.

"You redeem one coupon now." I said nonchalantly and holding his hand back, we got outside, welcomed by still cold breeze of late winter night.

"This is not something to be grant for, this is my rights as your boyfriend."

I smirk and let out a soft laugh.

I jump down his motorbike still with a weird excitement in me, taking off the helmet and give it to him. He get off from his bike too, and put my helmet on the back of his bike, tying it up.

Then I look at him still smiling.

"It kind of weird, but I like seeing you smiling like that."

I laugh, "Tonight was fun."

"Nothing really special, but I had fun too."

"Thanks, then..." It's awkward now as we're staring to each other.

"You want some kiss?" He asked so casually, but I felt his carefulness. He seems understand. After that night I broke down, I feel like he's trying to do it carefully for not making me frightened again.

So I smile, "Yes please, kiss me." I'm fine with kissing. I never break down just from kissing.

And I like kissing him.

Wow that thought flash my mind just like that so I kiss him deeper. I put my hands on his neck and kiss him even deeper, sucking his lips with earnest that brought smile on him. So I smile too, we both smiling between the kisses.

"Why?" I asked in his lips, still smiling.

"Nothing." He said and cup my face, kissing me deep once again we forgetting time.

-

**-Jae's PoV-**

My heartbeat feels like stopping. I just finish showering then checking my phone and found her message, with a picture attach on it. Her kiss still haunt me all the time I'm showering but now she attack me with this. This picture of her naked in front of the mirror.

I take a deep sigh and close my eyes for awhile, press my forehead with my hand before really take a close look on it, on the perfect proportion of her body, her small waist, long legs, not so big but round full breasts with pink cute nipples, sweet shoulders, then to her soft and shy smile. Her skin is milky white, looks so soft makes me want to touch it again. I shifting down my sight to her lower part, her pussy. I bet it will taste so sweet, just like her lips. I still can feel her lips' taste on mine.

I sighing deep, "Lord this is hard." I'm whining alone. But I get a grip on myself and call her.

"You're beautiful." I said immidiately before she could say anything.

"There are so many stretch marks in my body."

"I'm not seeing any of it."

"That's because the camera beautfy it."

"Seolhee, everyone have it. Marks, scars, birthmarks, we all have it. You're still beautiful with it."

Pause.

"I finally did it."

"You crying?"

"I got a little bit emotional. This is my first time for awhile seeing myself again like that, and even send the picture to someone to see..." I hear her sob once, "This is some proud tears. I'm proud of myself."

"I'm proud of you too." So I let her enjoying the joy of her achievement a little longer, give her time to savor all this feeling.

"Thanks," she said after get a grip of herself again, "What's next? What's the next homework?"

I can't believe she's the first one who ask it, such a character development. I bite my lips, because I already listed down things she should working on one by one, and now I feel nervous for her next homework. I'm nervous to see it, but also so much looking forward to it.

"Touch yourself." I said trying to sounds not too forcing it.

I feel her stiffen and gulping down with her usual nervous and frightened eyes, "Where?"

"Everywhere. Touch every part of your body until you come. Find your sensitive parts. This time, send me the video." Lord I'm getting hard so I close my eyes and let out my breath slowly without a sound. "With that I hope you'll get to know yourself. Now that you accept yourself, try to get to know you. Learn what you like and desire, what makes you feel good, what makes you come. Getting to know more about yourself and learn about you so that you can love you."

She silence for awhile, "It might takes a while."

"It's okay, take your time." Damn, I want her to finish that homework soon, though.

Do I really have to wait for another week, or probably more? I groan in silence.

-


	9. Chapter 9

Jae's words of praising after I sent him a picture of me naked has become some weird of gasoline for me to keep on running. He think I'm beautiful. That one word alone means so much to me, and I never expected it. There were so many guys told me the same but it never gets to that level. He said it after seeing me naked. Well, although indirectly, but still. It got me motivated. And his another narration about me getting to know myself is surprisingly touching too. Why I never do that before? Why other guys before him never told me to do that? Why I never think of it like that?

I got so motivated after that particular phone call to the point that I tried it right away. I tried it not long after we talked, but it didn't turned out good. I trembled the moment I put my fingers inside my pussy so I stop. I don't know what to do so I do some research first the next day.

"What are you looking at?" Ryujin suddenly sit beside me who's laying on my bed.

I get up to sitting position, taken aback, "Knock, please."

But she ignores my words and snatch my phone right away, she's so quick. And I just sigh helplessly.

"How to touch yourself?" She's smirking while scrolling the website I just open. "You never tried masturbating?"

"I know how to do it, just... to be spesific...?"

"Something happened between you and Jae, right? Yesterday you suddenly want to see yourself naked and now this? You want to touch yourself? You're getting aroused around him?"

I tilt my head thinking. Am I? Is that why after kissing him yesterday night I really feel the urge to do that homework? Is that somehow triggered it? It became easier, though.

Ryujin's watching me.

"It's homework." I decided to just tell her, I can't hide this thing forever, I live with her. Besides, maybe she can help.

She's frowning her forehead, confused.

"Jae giving me homework to help me get through this anxiety..." She listens quietly while nodding her head once in a while, "That thing about seeing myself naked in front of the mirror was a homework, too. The first homework."

"Wow." She whisper in awe, "And this is the next homework to be done?"

I nodding my head.

Then she got silence to think, long. Glance at me once or twice until finally speak, "Why I never think of that?"

"Right? Me too." I smile excitingly. "And you know what? It kind of work. I mean, seeing me naked again after a long time gain me some kind of confidence about myself. As he said, it's a way to accept myself and to not be insecure about it, so it would be easier for me to let someone else sees it. And yes, he saw it." Ryujin open her eyes bigger, "I sent him a picture proof. For this task, I need to send him a video."

She whisper in awe again. "Such a brilliant idea. And what the philosophy behind this task now?"

"That it helps me getting to know myself, learn about what I like, where to touch to satisfy... myself... and get myself used to it before someone... really doing it to me..." My voice volume getting quieter sentence by sentence. I'm embarassed suddenly discussing this with her.

Again, she's in awe again, this time agape her mouth wide. "I'm mad, why I never think of that? I've been with you for long, meanwhile he just know you for like... two months? But he already did this much?"

I laugh, "You jealous?"

"I feel useless."

"Nooo, you helped me find the right one."

"Who turned out to be jerks and hurt you instead?" She's shaking her head in guilty.

"No one knows they're jerks! I don't even know myself, I never know I need this much assistance to get through this issues I'm dealing with. We never know." I try to make her relax, "Besides, I met Jae thanks to you too."

She smiles then, "You seems to like him already."

I shrug my shoulders. Maybe. Probably. High possibility. I don't know, but I like being around him. And we're making progress, well I making progress, so I like it. It feels nice and makes me kind of happy. For the frist time I'm not feeling stressed if I unintentionally hearing someone or group of people mentioning sexual things and discuss it. I used to flinched and walk away, but recently I'm fine hearing it. Not to the point that I'll join their conversation, but at least I'm not feel annoyed anymore. I become cool hearing that topic.

Because I know I'm working on it. Someday I will talk about it with them and discuss it too.

We ended up watching a video together, there's a vidoe who listing some tips to start masturbations. It basically about how we set the mood, by watching certain movies that can make us aroused, or listening to certain songs that have sexy vibes, dim light to get us more relax, something like that, and there are actually many ways. It can be different for every person depends on our preferences, but they listed the most common and popular ways to get in the mood for masturbating.

"How you done it?" I finally asked Ryujin about it and she kind of stuttering.

"I don't really... do that. I mean, I have Younghyun, why would I do that...?"

I groan annoyingly while she laugh hard. I'm asking the wrong person. Guess I just need to try one of these tips, then.

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

"Are this really necessary for attending a grown-up's birthday party?" She asked after the staff done with her make up and hair. She look at me with her usual confused expression, looking down her head once or twice to check on her white dress I chose for her. "Aren't this too much?"

"No, it's Sana's birthday party."

"And how that supposed to answer my question?"

"There's a dress code, fairytale."

She's blurt out in shocked, "Is she 5?"

"No, but her personality is. You know what I mean soon." I sigh, "Let's go." I lend her my hand and she reach it soon, grab and holding it right away.

She got used to me. She's not getting stiff anymore around me, she got relax and smiling more. And laughing more too. And since she become more comfortable when she's with me, she show her expressions more freely now. She's whining, pouting her lips, giggling, gasping, getting so much comfortable. Even when I touch her lightly on her hands, or shoulders, or neck, she's fine with it now, although I never linger my hands that long on her.

It's me who's not fine now. I get nervous sometimes. When she look at me too intense or too deep, smiling at me too bright or too inviting, I get a little bit nervous. Because I feel like to kiss her senseless and just loose everything. I feel like having her. But she's not ready yet. She's not ready, we're working on it on the tasks, so I need to be a little more patient. It's okay, because we're working on it and she seems showing progress too.

"I didn't invite her." Sana said the moment she spot me with her.

"Then I'll leave."

"Wait!" She grab my elbow right away, prevent me to leave, staring at me with heavy annoyance.

I see Seolhee watching her hands on me, eyeing it then shift her stare to Sana's face then give her a soft smiles. I feel it kind of intimidating, though. And I think Sana feels that too, because she suddenly take away her hands on me. This is interesting so I let out a soft smile, introducing Seolhee to her and Sungjin who stand beside her in full attention to what just happened.

He seems interested with this as well, "I was supposed to meet you that day, wasn't I? I'm sorry. Something important happened." Sungjin said explaining inisiatively.

"What?" Sana asked him.

"That day... when you begged me to take you back... I was about to forgetting you and meet someone else. This is her whom I should meet." Sungjin smiles so warmly to Sana, but I sense his intention. He's hoping Sana would get jealous upon hearing that fact.

I never get to understand this man in front of me. How can he be so in love with Sana although she doing him bad all this time? But then again, that's how love works, right? Blinding. At least Sana try to make it right this time.

"Thanks for sent me a replacement."

Seolhee's statement got me taken aback as well as Sana. But Sungjin laughing and praising himself for doing that.

"Jae's a good guy." He said then.

"Seems like it." Seolhee smile so genuine like she just saying what she really feels, without faking it a little bit. Makes Sana wondering in silence, looking at her in some kind of approval manner.

"That's why you shouldn't disappoint him." Sana said out of the blue. "Make him happy, don't disappoint him." She's staring at Seolhee with a meaningful look.

Seolhee biting her inside lips, "I'm trying." she smiles apologetically.

I'm watching her deep and somehow I get nervous again, my heart beats a little bit faster again. Her eyes tell another sincere stares, then she turn to look at me, give a smile that feels like could light up the world. So I hold her hand on me tighter.

I want to kiss her so bad.

"Enjoy the party." Sana said again before leave us alone to greet her other friends.

Seolhee doesn't know Sana before this, so I bet she bored to death here. I introduce her to some of our friends from high school, she keep smiling and responding to our jokes but I bet she's dying to end this already. I take her away then, far from other people for us to be alone. We're dancing alone, a little to the back of this pretty garden, near the fountain.

"Sorry, you must be bored."

She's shaking her head, "It's fun. It really feels like a fairytale here."

"Yeah? You're not annoyed to keep smiling at my friends?"

"Why would I be annoyed? No, I like them. They're funny. And they told me many things about you."

"You want to know many things about me?"

"Can I?"

"Just ask me, I'll tell you everything."

"Who's your last girl before me?"

"She's not here and you probably not know her, we were in the same class once. She's pretty."

She smiles, "Why you broke up?"

"She couldn't stand Sana." I told her the truth, "Most girls who interested in me couldn't stand Sana. She somehow... made them run away."

She's gulping down, "Why?"

"She want me to herself. Not romantically, just... she want me to keep take care of her, pay attention to her, she doesn't want any girl get close to me."

"Maybe she likes you."

"But she likes Sungjin too, romantically."

She's frowning her forehead.

"I liked her romantically back then." We're staring and I don't know why I told her this, I never once talking about this to the girls who interested in me before her. But right now I just feel like I need her to know, don't know why. There's no guarantee that we'll stay together after we really having sex, but... I just want her to know that.

No particular reason.

"But she chose Sungjin. And I'm cool with that. But she started to become annoying and jealous everytime I got close to someone."

She got silence for awhile, "And what about you now?"

"I'm cool, I'm not feeling that special thing again with her, I hang out with many girls after that. Now I just need her to stop, because she started to hurt Sungjin. They almost break up for good."

"That's why you doing this with me?"

Now it's me who got silence. I nod, "It's like... killing two birds with one stone...?"

She smiles.

"Can I kiss you?" I suddenly asked that, my heart flinch again. At this point, I do like her, don't I?

"Why you always asking?"

I blinking kind of confused, "I don't want you to..." I licked my lips, "...feel afraid of me anymore...?"

"I'm fine with kissing."

"Yeah?"

She nodding her head in assurance.

"I can kiss you without asking permission, then?" She answer it with a smile then I kiss her, slowly but firm.

Touch her jawline and kiss her more, she got comfortable now. She got used to my lips and got so comfortable when we kissing. It's delicious. Her lips are tasty I get drawn in it immidiately, not minding our surrounding until we suddenly and forcefully separated by something. Oh no, someone.

"Stop it." Sana said, looking at Seolhee right after she push her away from me. She's heavy on the alcohol. "Jaehyung is mine. Jaehyung can only taking care of me, no other girls, but me." Sana point out her finger in front of Seolhee's face.

"Where's Sungjin?" I asked softly after took a deep breath helplessly.

"With my dad. Just like me, my dad is like Sungjin sooo much! Why he didn't like you as much as he likes Sungjin, though? You know me longer than him, though."

"Come here, let's go inside." I grab her arms but she shook it off.

"No!" She's look at Seolhee again, "I want to say a few words first to her." She take a step closer, "Hey! You like him? You like that he take care of you and give you all that attention? He used to give those to me. And you should know, no matter how much I try to make sense of this, you're really doesn't suit him, even with all of these dress and make up!"

I grip her shoulders again, "Stop it, let's go inside."

"Ah, wait a second!" She shook herself off of me again, "What do you give him? Why he likes you this much? He never go to this level with the others, what? Visiting Jeju alone out of the blue? What did you guys doing there? Are you really need to go all the way there to having sex?!"

I gritting my teeth and grab her again, this time with determination to really drag her inside.

"You! If you disappoint him and hurting him, you really! I won't just sit an do nothing, I'll give you hard lessons! Hey! Answer me!"

I start to drag her, glancing at Seolhee who just standing there confused.

"Don't disappoint him, really! Give him what he deserves!"

"Wait here, okay?" I told Seolhee right before I carry Sana up and get inside.

Maybe I shouldn't brought Seolhee here in the first place.

-


	10. Chapter 10

Sana's words are just like a sudden rain that pouring down on me, literally. Her warning to not disappoint Jae hits hard and it's like attacking me. Just like this heavy rain that suddenly fall down out of the blue.

I lift up my head to the sky, takes every drop of the rain on me, while many people scream and move in panic to go inside, to protect them from getting wet by the rain. But I stay still, drowning in my thoughts. No, my mind is actually empty. I refuse to believe what Sana blurted it out, I won't disappoint Jae, we'll succeed everything we planned to do. I'm gonna have my first soon, and it gonna be with him. I won't disappoint him.

So when I see his figure running to me in the middle of the rain, I form a smile.

"What are you doing?! You're soaking wet!" He screams to beat the sound of rain.

"You're getting wet too." I'm smiling wider.

"Let's go inside." He takes my hand and pull me but I stay still make him stop and stand right back in front of me. He's frowning his forehead.  
  
"Since we got wet already, how about having fun a little bit here? Continue where we left off?" I'm smiling happily for the last time then kiss him without giving another chance for him to speak.

He's taken aback but get a grip of himself fast and kiss me back with the same intensity. I heard people starts screaming in the back, cheering us.

"Go get her, Jae!"

"Get a room, guys!"

It makes me kiss him even deeper, put both of my hands on his neck, suck and smooch his lips deeper, harder, faster. I think I moan but the sound of rain cover it. I feel his grip on my waist tighten. I used to jump when I feel that, I used to break away immidiately, but now I don't mind it, don't bother it, and just kiss him more. I tilting my head just to feel him deeper, starting to bite his lips, he grinding because of it, I think? I feel something in lower part of my body, he press his body to me not letting any thin air between us except our own wet clothes that glued to our own skin. Oh right, this white expensive dress is ruined already.

I smooch his lips hard for the last time before he stop me, takes my hand again from his neck then leads me to get out of here, walking fast nearly run to the parking lot and get in the car immidately. Feels like I still can hear people's cheer for us, linger on my ears along with the sound of heavy rain and my own heartbeat creating an intense melody as a backsound for the upcoming scene: sensual kissing scene ever. The car seat and floor are getting wet, water dripping from our wet clothes.

I'm out of breath, head spinning, blood rushing. My lips must be so swollen already. Hard to keep my eyes open when his lips are taste this good on me. And for the first time in my life I feel like I'm getting aroused, hard. I feel the need to do something with my body. For the first time in my life I'm thinking to release this high tension in me. I smile in between our kisses to welcoming those feelings, happy. Finally, for the first time.

But Jae stop it after awhile, staring at me deep and whisper, "You're bad." before he pull himself off of me and turn on the car.  
  


He's nagging. A lot. About how I shouldn't just standing still like that in the rain.

"You'll get sick." He said while keep moving a towel on my head to dry my wet hair.

He brought me to his house, not his house where he live with his parents, no. This is the house near the campus where he live all this time. A very comfortable clean house, and alone.

He's nagging again and it's so cute, still with his hands moving fast on top of my head. I just smiling looking at him.

"Why you didn't move? People were running inside, what were you thinking?" He still sounds upset.

"I won't disappoint you."

"What are you saying?" He still not looking at me, focus on his hand movements instead.

So I grab both of his hands on the wrists to stop the movement, "I'll prove her that I won't disappoint you." I make him look at me.

"She's just blurted out words randomly. She was drunk-talking."

"But I really won't disappoint you, really really. I'm trying."

He put his palms on top of my head that still covered by a white towel. I'm wearing his shirt now, big on me, and his Yonex sports pants. No underwear at all, they all wet, and our closeness right now is a whole new level of teasing. I'm so happy that I can feel this kind of feeling now, I feel like I'm progressing a lot.

"You better won't, Han Seolhee. Because I started to going crazy holding in." He whisper very quietly with those intense stare again at me, eyeing my face in wondering state.

I smile. I didn't meant to test him like this though, but...

"Kiss me again." That pleading words slipped out of my mouth just like that. I feel so brave, no fear a little bit. This is so much new.

"No, let's dry your hair properly." He take my hand trying to make me stand up.

"Ah, kiss me first." I refuse to move, staying still, whining to him.

"No, you'll make it hard for me to stop again."

"Then don't stop."

"No, you're not ready. You'd push me again."

My goodness.

I understand but still pout my lips, finally do what he told me.  
  


But I feel so much ready when I got home. I go straight to my room and lock the door hoping Ryujin won't disturb me tonight, I play a playlist that shared on the sex education website that I visited the other day, trying to help me to get in the mood, I set the light to go dim, closing the curtain of my window, then finally set a camera right in front of the mirror across my bed to records myself. I adjust the cameras lighting, framing, angle and everything, focusing the shot to my whole bed.

I get on, then, facing the mirror just behind the camera, so I literally facing both, the camera and my own self in the mirror.

I take a couple of deep sigh, watching my expressions in the mirror, nervous. I focus on my chest' movements going up and down along my deep breathing, to relax myself. Then I try to focus on the song that's playing, to the sexy slow beat I heard, feeling the vibe. Take one last deep breath while watching the red bip on the camera, my hand starts to wondering.

I grip my thigh a little and moving up, my fingers touching every expose skin. I still wearing Jae's clothes and it makes me automatically think of him, somehow it makes me aroused. I touch my still clothed breast, grab it on my palm and squeeze it once softly. It makes me suddenly close my eyes and take another deep breath. I try to remember the feel when he touched it back then in Jeju before I broke down. I recall that night, his touch on my breast for the first time.

I lick my lips, starting to squeeze it harder, my other hand do the same to the other breast. I gasp all by myself, biting my lips harder without I'm knowing it. Reflex.

My hands moving lower, get inside my clothes to feel my warm skin, touch and grip the place where Jae's hands gripped it just then, when we're soaked wet under the rain. And I still remember how it felt. I remember it clearly, the way he grip it harder while deepened his kiss. I take my shirt off, well Jae's shirt on me, to give more access to my own hands to feel every skin. I'm not wearing anything underneath already, so my upper body got completely naked now. Strange that I'm not feeling shy at all upon the fact that there's a camera recording me, recording everything. I don't bother it, instead focus on the feeling on my skin everytime my hands do something with it.

My hands wondering again, touching my skin everywhere, eyes closed, feeling warm on my palm upon touching my body. Hands going back to breasts again, now without restrain. And I gasping, taken aback by how gossebumps suddenly strikes me. I arch my back, breathing hard and deep, starts to squeezing it fast and hard, creating a rhtyhm that matching the beat of song that's playing, the song is getting intense somehow. My breath got short and fast in a minute, my blood rushing rapidly. I bring myself to lay down on my back, biting my lips again. Moaning one or two times, imagining his hands on me instead.

One of my hand move lower, touch my pussy still behind the short pants. I get nervous, I think I'm trembling just like I did in my first attempt a couple days ago. But when I shifted my thought to think about Jae's lips on mine today, about how he kiss me senseless under the rain, about how he suddenly grinding himself, my palms suddenly grinding too, copying the action, pressing my still clothed pussy. I gasp loud and feel it getting wet already, my other hand still on my breast now playing with my nipple.

I think I'm forgetting everything about my fear, I only think about how Jae grinded to me and I pull my pants just like that, freeing my pussy finally. I touch the sensitive area with my forefinger, slowly, very carefully. I feel goosebumps all over me again so I take another deep breath, hard.

I brave myself to touch it lightly, it's dripping wet already, slick with lube-kind-of-thing that flooding from god knows where. I arch my back and breathing hard and fast repeatedly, shocked by the feeling it makes me grip the bed sheet. I open my eyes staring at my ceiling, my ears focusing again to the music that still playing as a way to calming myself, trying to not pull out my hand away from my pussy, holding on, just linger there to get myself used to it, to the intrusion. I still breathing hard for awhile, but it got calmer eventually. My finger successfully stay still, then I start to push it even more to the inside. Deeper and deeper, makes me close my eyes again to this weird feeling of myself getting fill up.

I whimpering unknowingly. I start to make noises when I move my finger in and out. I grip the sheet tighter, I start to scream, can't focus on the song anymore, but rather focus on the movement of my finger inside myself. I thrust my hips without me knowing in efforts to feel it more, and I open my legs wide to give me better access to move.

Again and again, in and out, sometimes I circle my fingers inside and it's the best feeling ever it got me moan so loud, maybe I also screaming it, I don't know. After awhile I start to feel it, something weird and urgent, to be released. And with an instinct, I press my thumb to my clit, got me released another sensual scream and moan I never thought I have in me. I try to focus on the clit it makes me move myself to the side hiding my face, legs squirming and close tight while my fingers works in super fast speed. My free hand gripping the sheet even tighter, and I can't stand it anymore.

I come.

Hard, for the first time ever. I'm also screaming loud, I think. Thank god I play songs on the speaker. I'm breathing hard and deep, turn to laying on my back again, eyes wondering to the ceiling after experiencing something so new that feels like an actual storm happening inside the lower part of my body. A little bit like flying. I'm smiling and frowning my forehead at the same time, feeling weird but also satisfied. Embarassed but also relieved. Fingers still weirdly wet but for the first time in my life, I don't mind it. I starting to hear the music again now that my consciousness starting to come back. Chest still going up and down.

I smile.

-

**-Jae's PoV-**

I clean myself feeling satisfied. I can't stand it. The moment she's screaming my name in between her moaning, I lost myself and ended up jerking off. Is that her first orgasm ever? Good lord, damn I want to touch her so bad.

I dry my hands with towel and walk back to my bed where my phone is. I call her, nearly an hour since she sent the video.

"Hey..." I greet her softly.

"I did it."

"I know, I've watched it. Good job, Seolhee." I clear my throat to hide my sudden nervousness upon hearing her voice. "How do you feel?"

"Weird."

I laugh.

"But fine. It was indescribable, weird but awesome. It wasn't something I felt before... it was out of this world."

"You didn't feel any fear?"

"I felt it, before I... my fingers dipped inside..."

"Was it painful?"

"No, just... shocking... I felt so... full?"

Good lord help me. Imagine when I'm the one who filling her up.

I smile proudly, "You did a really good job. I'm proud of you once again."

"Why your respon come so late though? I'm waiting for it."

I laugh again teasing her 'trying to sound innocent' question, "I'm human. I couldn't hold it." My voice become weak and I'm cursing on the inside.

She laughing it off, "So what's next?"

"Impatient now, aren't you?"

"Should we just completely try again? I think I wouldn't break this time."

Really? If she ended up push me again, I don't think I can handle it. I might be using strength to force her to get over it. Damn I'm just like any other jerk.

"No, there are steps."

She's whining. She's whining often these days. Today too, she's whined and begged me to kiss her when I dried her hair with towel. And don't get me wrong, I was dying to kiss her senseless. Her appearance, wearing my clothes, her wet hair, lips so moist without any lipstick on it, it drove me crazy. And judging on what we did in the rain before, on how I grinded myself unknowingly when she kissed me like that, I didn't think I could stop until I go all the way. So I better to not started it at all, for now. I'm afraid I'd hurt her, because somehow I knew that she's still not ready. Even now. But she's progressing and that's a very good sign. It means that I'm not wasting my time.

I do the right thing.

"So, what's next?"

"You have class tomorrow?"

"I'm busy until 2."

"Then let's meet around 3. I'll tell you the next homework."

"What is it? Can't you just tell me now?"

"Tomorrow, Seolhee." I laugh.

"Okay, tomorrow."

"And I need to ask you something."

She humming.

"Did you think of me when you doing it?"

"I was screaming your name. I didn't realized it until I watched the video."

"So did you think of me?"

"I did it right after I met you, and I wore your clothes, how could I not think of you...?" She sounds shy saying it, I bet her cheeks are turning red now.

Lord. I bite my bottom lip.

"It sexy as hell." I whisper unknowingly.

"To the point that you jerked off?"

I groan.

"Just do it again already."

"No."

"Why?"

"I need to make sure you're ready."

"Doing it all the way again is also a way to make sure, isn't it?"

"No, I'll messed up if you're still not yet ready. I might turn into a jerk just like the others."

She get silence, understand. "I'm sorry."

"No, that's not what I mean."

"It must be hard for you."

"Yes, but I'm fine. Watching you is already a pleasure."

She laugh, "I won't disappoint you, I promise."

"Stop thinking about that already."

"Okay."

"See you tomorrow?"

"No, don't hang up yet."

I laugh, "Aren't you sleepy?"

"But I still want to hear you."

"We'll meet tomorrow."

"It's still so long until then."

I'm smiling alone, "You're in trouble, you know that?"

"Hm, looks like I am so much in trouble."

No, I'm thinking. Think about the whole situation, I'm the one who's in a big trouble now. Period.

-


	11. Chapter 11

Jae is watching me the moment I got freezing while scanning this place. I know he's reading my reactions very carefully now, and I can't hide it. I can't help but stop walking and watching my surrounding in nervous, I even gulping down.

"There's a glimpse of fear in your eyes." He said finally.

Yes, I'm not deny it. It's a sex toys expo. Good lord I'm visiting a sex toys expo. And it's crowded with people, surprisingly. This country seems already open about sex, apparantly. Every booth seems packed with people, looking around or listening an explanations from the expert about many sex toys on the display. I see some couple smiling and laughing upon some toys, discussing or pointing at toys that gets their interest.

"Han Seolhee?" Jae asked, waving his hand in front of my face.

I take a deep breath, "I'm okay." I tilted my head and give him a smile, a rather forceful smile.

"Of course you'll be okay. I'm here." He laugh freely, enjoying it. He open his palm to me, so casually now, and I reach it just as casual.

We got so comfortable with each other now. But that's not surprising, he practically witnessed my first orgasm, it's normal for me to feel comfortable around him, it's like I have something deep and meaningful that connecting me to him, somehow. Well I feel shy after I press the send button, but when he said he proud of me, the shyness and embarassment flew away. I feel glad instead, so much thankful that I have braveness to do this thing with him. He makes all of this easier, makes me feel like all of this is worth to try, give me hope that I'd successfully experience my first time soon.

Really, soon.

But this new task first. And it makes me nervous once again. Every new task always makes me nervous and brings anxious. But after all the success I've been experiencing this past weeks, my confidence now working it out for me, to keep me going and finish the task.

"Now that you get a little know about your body, let's level up. Let's get you used to a sexual intrusion."

"Gosh, you really sounds like a sex therapist."

"I'm the son of sex therapist, hello nice to meet you. I've read a lot of books about it." He starts to make us walking deeper inside after saying it in a playful tone, "But doesn't mean I'm an expert."

"At least I can depend on you because of that." I said it nonchalantly with gaze eyeing all this colorful and interesting toys on the display.

He squeeze my hand a little and it makes me turn to him, asking why with my gaze, "That's a really romantic comment."

I blink, "It is?"

"Every guys in this world are dying to hear that from their partner, believe me."

"Ah... really?" I laugh a little awkward. I don't know about that though, that thought just came out of my head autmatically because he indeed made me feel like that, like I can depend on him all I want and let him take the lead. Well, he's leading me all this time.

"Guess what girls want to hear from their partner." We walks again.

"I love you?"

"Classic, but still works. But nowadays, they want something more spesific, the things that their partner love about them."

I nodding my head understand.

"You want to hear something like that? Or you have other things you want to hear from me spesifically?"

I love how he spesifically address himself on his question. Emphasizing again how true his past statement is, about it would be him for my first time, that I could only do it with him.

So I form a smile, "Truthfully, I already heard many good things from you. And all the things that you did to me are already a blessing. I feel like I don't need anything else or hear anything anymore."

"You're value me too high, I'm nervous."

"But it would be good if you say something comforting when we finally try again. So that I wouldn't get another panic attack." I lift up my face to him, looking at him from the side.

"Noted."

"What will we buy, by the way?"

"You choose."

"I don't... really know the difference of these..."

"Let's listen to what they explaining first." He drag me to the corner of this hallway, to the mini stage prepared by the event staff where some experts sitting comfortably on the sofa.

One of them is explaining about some toys and how to use it, what's the plus and minus about it in very informative and interesting way that many people stop their walking to listen to her for awhile. Me and Jae stop walking to pay attention to that woman, sit on the empty chair, absorbs as much knowlede as possible like a sponge. Especially me, because I don't understand about this thing at all. I don't know what kind of toys I should be inserting to my pussy, which one is the best for the first timer. Oh my goodness, even just thinking about it already makes my heart rate increase.

"It looks painful." I whisper alone when I see the expert just about to push the big and long toys inside an artificial vagina.

"Of course. Especially for the first timer."

I look at him.

"Don't want to sugarcoat it, it would be painful for awhile. But that's the point, it's just for awhile."

I know, I learnt it already. I learnt it many times, from my high school days, even until recently, I actively reading about it. It's because I never done it, that's why that issue about painful penetration keep coming to my mind.

I turn my attention back to the stage, she pushing the toys until we only see the tail of it, while she keep explaining the technique, vibrating level, and many things more that relevance to the product. I swear that looks so painful. Imagine something that big entering my pussy... It already makes me take a deep sigh.

"See a bottle behind it? That's lubricant, it help to ease the process."

I just nodding my head as a sign that I listen to him. I know it already, I've seen many of it before this.

"Are you okay?"

"Probably not."

"It's alright. Just take your time, we can just buy something first, you always free to decide when to execute it."

I smile to him in full of thankfulness.

I'm watching him fully gripping one toy on his palm while thinking seriously.

"Are you... comparing it with your..."

He nod. I don't know why but I'm laughing.

"Wow surprise that you're laughing at it."

Right, I'm surprise at myself too.

"Means you're already got more comfortable to discuss about it."

"We technically got more comfortable, that's why."

"Right. It's better right, rather than hiding it from your partner and working on it alone."

That's what I did all this time, and of course he just blurted out that issue like that, hitting right at the center of the problem.

"Because meaningful sex is all about connecting with your partner, not only physically but also emotionally. And first time is a meaningful one. It's different than any casual sex that follow after that. You'll remember your first time for a very long time." We unknowingly walking slowly between the stall that displaying many type of toys in different colors and size.

He still grip some toys that he think would fit perfectly on me, according to his size.

"I want to give a good memory for you to remember." He stop walking, looking down to see a vibrator dildo in his hand inspectingly.

"You're a good guy."

"I am." We're staring, "Here." He give the toy but I just looking at it for awhile.

I take a really deep breath then grab it, and he smile upon seeing my effort to try once again.

At this point, it's time to tell him my frightening memories about my parents that night, right?

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

"You'll come with us this weekend, right?" Sana asked for like a hundred times already.

"I'll give update about it later after I talk to her."

"You still not talk to her?"

"I just finish my class."

"Call her now."

"She's still in class. I'll call you later, Sana."

"It'd be fun." Sungjin said suddenly.

"Are you sure this is a great idea?" I asked him this time, demand his certainty.

"No doubt."

I take a deep sigh.

"It's just a normal double date to chill together."

"But it would be two days and one night? Is that really necessary?"

"We're just trying to get to know each other. We're friends, and we're just want to know your girlfriend and become friends with her." Sana explains in exciting tone.

"And you approved this idea?" I asked Sungjin instead, once again demand his certainty.

"Why not? We're really just want to be friends. It's good to have many friends and connection. It'd help you in the future."

"You're not going to intimidate her? Or planning something bad?" I asked Sana this time.

"No, on the opposite, I want to make up. I was saying things I shouldn't say that day on my birthday."

"She didn't bother about those words you were saying. She forget about it already."

"But I still want to apologize and rebuild our relationship."

Why am I smell something fishy?

"Oh come on, I just want to be friends with her because it looks like you really like her."

"Suddenly?"

Sana shrug her shoulders.

I pause, "It would be a little awkward for her if she's alone, so what if she invite one more couple? Triple... date...?" I'm shaking my head, kind of weird hearing that words coming out of my mouth.

"It's okay, I'll found a bigger guesthouse, then. Call me an update, okay? Soon! Now I'll go first, I have another class to attend." She turn to Sungjin and smile, "Fighting for the rest of the day."

They're kissing fast as a goodbye, smiling to each other warmly.

And I'm watching him demand something.

"What?"

"What is she actually up to?"

"Trust me, this time she has nothing behind her palm. Purely just want to make friends and fix everything."

"That doesn't sounds like her a little bit." We're walking to the cafetaria, I planning to wait Seolhee there to having lunch together.

Strange that I just met her yesterday but I already make time to hang out with her again. I want to keep seeing her. I really am in trouble.

"She's trying to do the right things now."

"Really?"

"Her birthday makes her reflect a lot about herself."

"More like you planting a lot of new plants to her brain."

He smiles, "Nah, just a couple of ideas and examples, and we reach an understanding."

We pause our talking to order our lunch then sit on a long chair with a long table because Seolhee said Ryujin and Younghyun will join us too.

"So everything's got better now?"

"Absolutely." He smile so wide his cheek kind of turn red, "Now you don't have to worry about her anymore."

"You guys finally had sex?"

He choke on his food, hard. His face is obvious, even more now.

"How was it?"

"Spectacular."

I stop chewing and look at him, "Glad to hear that now."

He just smiling at it, "But really, she's getting better without you now. She's not depending on you that much these days, right? She rarely call you."

"That's because I ignored her calls."

"But she used to come to your house to force you to do something for her back then, it happened often. She didn't do that this time."

"Right, she doesn't appear in front of my house anymore. And she pay more attention to you."

"Yes, thankfully."

"She should, though. It's bad that she just realized it now." I'm shaking my head and continue my eating.

"Thanks, though. For take care of her all this time, and for not leaving completely out of her life."

"She's a friend. No matter how annoying she is, she will always be my friend."

"Right, so thank you for that."

I let it pass because I see Seolhee walking fast to this table, leaving Ryujin and Younghyun behind. She greet Sungjin before sitting beside me and asking about my class casually. She then introducing her friends to Sungjin when they got here, who immidiately bring out topics to talked about. We ended up talking about random things, as random as what our professors actually do in their spare time and we guessing it among ourselves, making up random and weird stories about them just for fun.

I look at Seolhee's eating most of the times, just commenting their talking once or twice in between. I finish eating already, now I'm listening to them, join their conversations but secretly focusing my attention more on her, doesn't want to waste this time to not looking at her.

Sungjin is in charge to invite them to our weekend triple date planning, talking about it excitingly, and got some good respon from both Ryujin and Younghyun.

"Would I be called out by drunk Sana again?" Seolhee's joking it.

Sungjin's laugh and make sure that Sana would ask her forgiveness instead and that Sana is actually planning this trip to getting to know each other and rebuild a fresh new start with her.

"She listens to me now." Said Sungjin proud.

With that, everyone agree to join the trip, Sungjin text Sana immidiately about it and suddenly we all got excited, talking about it for long, planning here and there, what should we eat and do to make it more fun and interesting. Couple games is a must, so we spend another 30 minutes to talk about it, choosing the best and non-mainstream game to play.

We're separated after another fun talk about some random questions, giving each other goodbye. Me and Seolhee walking along the school park in a light step, enjoying the beginning of spring and the warm breeze, talking lightly about anything that popped out of our mind while holding hands, smiling all the time. We're laughing often too.

She decided to sit on a grass for awhile to watch the sunset together. We sit and cuddling just like that, I didn't realized since when we do that, but it feels so comfortable, eventhough we're not saying anything. And I don't know who's starting it, but we're ended up kissing each other passionately. Hot, not resembling spring a little bit, our kissing is like a summer heat, enough to give us a heat stroke.

I don't remember since when but kissing her is one of my favorite moment recently. It feel so comfortable now, but still fluttering. And the more I do it, the more I got crazy because of it. She become more active too in this kind of thing. She doesn't just receiving, now she take the lead too sometimes. And I liking it so much because it feels so genuine and raw. Her emotions are raw, especially about all of this sexual activities.

And I like that taste of rawness, a virgin indeed.

"I tried last night..." She said when we pause to let each other take a breath. Her eyes kind of frightened and I know by that that she failed her first attempt.

"It's okay, slowly. You can try it again slowly."

"I really think it would be so painful."

"And I told you, it is. It's painful, but only for awhile."

"I know, I learnt about it."

"It's okay, you can take your time, I'm not going anywhere." Patient as a monk, I remember my mom's jokes.

I palm her cheek and caress it.

"How can you handle it? When you aroused?"

I smile, "Push up, jogging, cold water shower, jerking off." I shrug my shoulders up, "Use sex toys. Anything I could do to ease the pain."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no need."

"I should stop turning you on but I want to keep kissing you, what should I do?"

"Just kiss me this time, I'll take care of it myself."

Then she do it, kissing me again senseless, just right when the sun starting to disappear slowly to saying goodbye for the day.

"Why kissing you feels so good nowadays?" She said before sucking my lips, her hand on my neck while the other on the ground as her leverage. Our heads tilted so much to the side, searching for even better angle to deepening the kiss.

"Exactly what I'm wondering right now." And I want to touch you so bad, down there. I added in my head.

I groan in the kiss. Looks like I'd watch her masturbation video again tonight.

-


	12. Chapter 12

It has been more than an hour since we arrived and it's still awkward. I already did a round tour of this guesthouse with Ryujin and Younghyun, do a couple of chit chat to open up a conversation with Sana and Sungjin, but it still kind of awkward. Jae hasn't arrived yet. Sungjin and Younghyun decided to play some games from the console he brought here while the girls are still trying to find a topic to break this ice between us.

Sana's the one who brought that day when she drunk talking at me, "I'm so sorry about that."

I'm smiling awkwardly, "It's okay, you were drunk and it was your birthday. Everyone can say anything on their birthday."

Ryujin glance surprised at my words.

"Me and Jae got a lot closer because of that." I said without thinking and I noticed a little annoyance from Sana but it vanished right away.

"You guys were kissing passionately and impatiently, soaking wet by the rain, kind of erotic." Sungjin said nonchalantly brought Sana to face him, "People cheered on you excitingly."

"Why you didn't tell me about that?" Sana asked Sungjin.

"I just remember." But Sungjin doesn't bother it that much, focusing more on his game instead, trying to beat Younghyun in a shooting game.

I let a nervous soft laugh, "Why is Jae still not coming?" I mumbled to myself while pulling out my phone from my pocket.

"You really like him?" Sana asked again and I got silenced for awhile because of that question.

Until Ryujin nudge her elbow at me, force me to answer Sana's question.

"I don't... really know."

Ryujin sigh in upsetness, pressing fingers on the center of her forehead.

"It only 3 months..." Younghyun added still with full attention at the game.

"Jae's relationship with girls never last long."

"That's because you interfered." Sungjin said again.

"But you said you okay with that."

"I changed my mind and we talked about this already that day, that's why we got back together and we're here now."

"So let's stop bringing it up." Sana's voice start to rising.

"And you better stop to get in between them. Let Jae enjoy his romantic relationship in peace now." It's amusing how Sungjin keep his voice calm without changing tone a little bit. And the way he stay focus on the game while talking with her is admirable.

He looks so used to Sana's unique character, and clearly capable to handle her, he mastered it.

"I'm not trying to get in the way." Sana whispered to him, "Just to keep the conversation going."

Younghyun scream just right when he got shot. That's when Sungjin finally turn his head to look at Sana and smile.

"Good." He tap her cheek twice, quick, before back to the game because another round is about to start.

Ryujin let a soft laugh, "You guys are so... 4D. Your relationship looks interesting." She laugh a little harder now.

I hear the sound of car engine outside, "It must be him." I mumbled then shift my attention to the main door that still open.

Jae walks inside not long after, smiling. But there are two other guys following him behind.

"What are they doing here?!" Sana shouted in annoyance, asking my exact same question to Jae.

"Why you didn't invite us along?" Asked Dowoon not feeling guilty at all upon following Jae all the way here.

"Isn't it obvious? This for those who has significant other! Why you here with Wonpil? Are you a couple?!"

"We're MC, MC. I'm sure you guys need an MC here. A person in between, the neutral side, the grey side, the peacemaker although we all hoping that world war III wouldn't happening in the next 24 hours, but we're here just in case..." Wonpil talking fast while Dowoon already join Younghyun and Sungjin in the game.

"Everything's still under control." Sungjin said.

"There was an attack but defense was good." Younghyun replied.

I'm not sure if they're talking about the game or about what me and Sana talked about just then.

Jae sit beside me after Ryujin moved to give him the space, although he can sit beside Sana, which is closer from where he coming from. And I feel a glimpse of disappointment because of that on Sana's face but it appeared only for like a mere seconds so I'm not sure if I seeing right. Ryujin following Wonpil to the kitchen to help him serving snacks they bring.

"Who was attacking who? Who had a good defense?" Jae asked with eyes already glued on the screen to learn the situation happening in the game, but I feel that he wasn't talking about the game.

"Nevermind, the war still not happening." Sungjin said nonchalantly.

"What took you so long?" I whisper to Jae.

"Why? Miss me already?"

I'm pouting annoyed. And why I feel Sana's stare on us everytime, though? Is she really staring at us now? I don't dare to turn around to see her though.

"Anyone want to swim already?" Wonpil asked while bringing the food on the table.

"Me!" Dowoon raises his hand excitingly in the middle of gaming.

"Ah, I prepared games!" Sana's whining.

Wonpil smile upon hearing that, "Oh, sexual games?"

"Hey!" Me and Sana glare at him.

"Why?! That's the main purpose you guys gather here, isn't it?"

I frowning my forehead then move my head to look at Sana.

"Of course not!" She somehow making me sure that that's not exactly what she intended to do.

"Both of you looks offended." Ryujin said lightly while take one tteokbokki to her mouth, referring to me and Sana as 'you' in her sentence.

"That might be the only thing they have in common." Jae said suddenly make everyone look at him curiously.

And he got silence, a little confused and regret what he just said.

"Spill, Park Jaehyung." Ryujin demands.

"They both awkward about sexual thing..." Jae said very carefully, thinking hard choosing his words for not getting him in trouble.

"How do you know that?" Wonpil follows Ryujin in both eating the snacks and investigating Jae.

"I'm her boyfriend and her best friend...?" Jae looking at me and Sana back and forth, simultaneously.

"Oh, should we start with 30 questions, then? To get to know each other better?" Wonpil suggested an idea. "If you can't answer you should jump down the pool."

"Deal!" Again, Dowoon agreeing Wonpil's suggestion fast.

"I'll start, then. Jae, how did you meet Seolhee?" Wonpil start as an MC.

"Ey, that's weak!" Sungjin protest.

"You can ask the tough one when it's your turn." Wonpil told Sungjin to be quiet, then looking at Jae again.

"Through a blind date, I came as Sungjin's replacement. It was supposed to be Sungjin."

Wonpil nodding his head, chewing the snacks in delicious way that makes me take a bite. "Your turn to ask a question." He said to Jae.

"To anyone?"

"Yes, you can choose anyone."

"I'll ask Seolhee then. It's a fortunate that I showed up instead of Sungjin, right?"

"Hey!" Sungjin scream again, laughing softly.

"Sungjin's fine, though."

Sana say, "Of course!" in unison with Jae that screaming at me as a warning, copying Sungjin.

I laugh before asking Ryujin, "How you got Sungjin for my blind date?"

"An acquintance of mine telling me about him. He said there's someone who need a rescue to get out of toxic relationship..."

"Who is that acquintance?!" Sana scream in annoyance.

"Me!" Dowoon raises his hand again, and everyone just agape their mouth at him, except Sana who let out another screaming at him upon his move to get Sungjin a girl.

"You knew Dowoon?" I asked Ryujin a little surprised, forgetting the game's rule.

"We met at one party Younghyun's friend held, I think...?" Dowoon confirming Ryujin's confusion. "My turn, Jae said you awkward about sex, how come?" Ryujin asked Sana and suddenly the atmospher got quieter. Only Ryujin has the braveness asking personal question like that to someone she just met.

Sana glaring at Jae annoyed because he brought that topic up, "Just... don't have many experience in it..." The others waiting for more elaborate explanation, but Sana already asking me a question, "How about you?"

I hate this game.

"Seolhee's expression is now telling us that she hates this game." Wonpil informing to everyone, what an MC.

I'm gritting my teeth and glare at Jae just like how Sana did but he just laugh.

"I'm also inexperienced."

I see Ryujin enjoying this so I glare at her too as the question started from her, while the others demand more elaborate answers, talking loud to me at the same time.

Wonpil shutting off people's overlapping voices, "I only accepting 5 words and up from now, okay? If you answer like that again, you jump to the pool!" Wonpil let me asking then.

I'm thinking because I don't know what to ask anymore.

"If you don't have anything to ask, you should jump too." Jae's words bring another noisy voices from the other, agreeing his statement while that boy is laughing enjoying my panic state.

"I'll ask Sungjin," I repeated my words many times to make them silence, "Why you decided to not come that day and sent Jae as a replacement instead?"

Sungjin's thinking his answer seriously with his eyes still glued on the screen trying to not lose the game as well, so Sana snatch the console away from him. He smiles, "Because I still like her." He said it while folding down his fingers one by one to count his words, we laugh at that. "Besides, I thought it'd be interesting. That time, there's a video going viral about them..."

"Good job!" Ryujin commented on that.

"I got your name and picture before our blind date day, right after I watched the video, it was so much a coincidence. So when I decided to not come that day, Jae's face just popped out of my mind."

"Good job, Park Sungjin!" Ryujin and Sungjin do a high five.

"You still like me, right?" Sungjin then asked Sana, makes her got a little flustered.

"We had sex on my birthday, how come you still asking that?" Some of us laughing at that answer, but some of them agape their mouth upon her bluntlyness confession.

I'm agape my mouth.

"Hey, that's the actual reason you made Jae went there to replace you, right? You're planning this from the beginning, right? For making him busy with someone and forgetting me?" Sana attacked Sungjin, kind of forgetting the game's rule as well.

"Woah, how many questions are that?" Dowoon laughing.

And Sungjin only shrug his shoulders to answer her questions. We all quickly pointing our fingers at him, and Wonpil make him jump down the pool immidiately.

He did, and we cheer him excitingly for that.

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

Almost all of us got wet already, we even moved to the outside near the pool to continuing the game that surprisingly become an outlet to get to know each other better, in a fun way.

"We left with 2 questions." Wonpil informed.

"I hope Jae lose this time. It's unfair that he's the only one with dry clothes right now." Sungjin said in disbelief.

"Proceed quickly, I'm cold already!" Sana's nagging to Wonpil again.

"Okay, princess." Wonpil tease her received another glare from her, then let Younghyun take his turn.

"So, you got so comfortable with him now? I never see you like this before." Younghyun asked Seolhee out of the blue, his eyes emphasizing the fact that I'm hugging her from the side now while holding her hands to reduce the cold from her.

She's smiling while thinking hard to not get the punishment again and jump to the pool, "Yes, right now I feel so comfortable. Not feeling cold at all." She escaped the punishment.

Sana and Ryujin are groaning, feeling cringe all over.

"For the last question..." She look at Sana and gulping down, "Why you want Jae to look after you that much? Even threatened the girls who interested in him and ended up left him, why?"

"We kind of have special bond, from a loooong time ago, long before I even met Sungjin. We grew up together, we practically always together, he always there for me. At certain point he said he likes me. We even had a drunk sex together."

She got stiff.

I glare at Sana as the sign for her to stop.

"He used to only interested in me, even when all those girls keep bothering him, he always makes me his number one priority. Until you came."

"That's enough, that answer's enough." Sungjin touch her thigh.

But Sana is unstoppable, "I thought it would pass in a month, but he brought you to Jeju and spent two nights together..."

"They went to Jeju?!" Younghyun whisper his shockness to Ryujin.

"I was sad." Sana continue.

Everyone get silence.

"He even brought you to my birthday party. He used to be the one who received my first cake. Don't get me wrong, I love Sungjin, but I value my best friend too."

She sounds so annoying now I'm tired of that, really.

"But... I understand. He finally found someone he genuinely like, just like how I found Sungjin, I understand then. He never brought anyone to Jeju in his private heli and revelaed that much about him to someone."

"Private heli?!" Younghyun whisper to Ryujin again and she just nodding her head, not really minding to explain that fact at all to him.

"I even saw you on the sex toys expo. That's when... I understand... and finally realized that... I should stop." Her voice got calmer, as well as her breathing. Sungjin already tapping her back to calming her even more, but he show a satisfying smile. Or more like a winning smile.

Ryujin mouthing 'sex toys expo?' without a sound to Seolhee, her forehead's frowning, demanding some explanation about that fact she didn't know. I know it already that Seolhee always tell everything to her about the progress of our lessons.

"That's why I planning this. Let's us... somehow, be friends...?" Sana asked very awkwardly, staring at Seolhee.

Seolhee's smiling still kind of awkward too, didn't expect Sana would answer her question with so much honesty like that, "Sure, of course. Let's be friends."

The others somehow letting out breath their holding, sigh in relieved while I form a proud smile to both Sana and Seolhee. "I'm proud of you both." I said quietly makes them both staring at me.

"We successfully dodged another world war III." Dowoon smile.

"Okay, the game has officially ended, and the result is quite warming despite of how cold our body are. Thank you so much for your participation, hope we can be more considerate as we got know a little bit more about each other..." We all laugh, "...let's change to dry clothes and gather again for preparing the barbeque time? I'm hungry."

We all agreeing and dismissed to our room. Every couple got their own room, by the way, just like what Sana said when she told me about this trip.

Seolhee change in the bathroom now while I done changing already and laying on the bed, facing the bathroom door waiting for her to come outside. Mind completely blank after all the things Sana said. She listed all the unusual things I did to Seolhee. I didn't realized it either until she blurted it out, I did so much things out of my usual character to Seolhee. We just met not long ago, we're not even really dating.

Or are we?

I started this to help her. She accepted and asked me to teach her everything until she experience her first sex, without bothering about our relationship. So are we really dating? A couple? Or is it still purely just to help her having her first sex?

I feel like we crossed many lines already to be just a casual sex partner. Especially after heard what Sana said. Sana's right, this is the first time I'm doing it like this. And it feels just right. I don't know how or why but it feels just right.

She come out of bathroom brings me back here again from my thoughts. She glance at me a little before go to the terrace to put her wet clothes to get it dry beside mine. She takes hair dryer then drying up her hair, looking shy about all this situation of us being alone like this, and to the fact that we're going to sleep on the same bed later. Although I won't do any sexual thing with her, no. She's still not finish her task yet, and it might be a hard night to go through for me.

But now I'm watching her, smiling.

"You okay?"

"Sana is a lot to handle, but I'm fine."

I laugh, "She's not that bad if she put you on her side, it's tiring if she's put you on the opposite side."

"So, she put me on her side, now?"

"Based on what she just said? Yes."

We silence, let the sound of hair dryer filling up this room.

"And you guys really that close?"

I'm humming, seems like the game just continue here.

"To the point that you had sex with her?"

"I don't really remember, but yes. We were both drunk."

"Was she your first?"

"Yes."

Pause.

Then the hair dryer turn off.

I wake up to sit on the edge of the bed, we're just watching each other. She watch me from the mirror for awhile until she turn and approach me. Her hair dry already, smells so nice, just like her skin.

Without saying anything she takes my face to her palms and kiss me, bring out smile on my lips. "Jealous?"

"No." She said on my lips, "You don't remember it, I'm not jealous."

I deepen the kiss just a bit, really just a little bit, as an effort to not make this kiss going anywhere further. Because I'm gonna be in trouble if this kiss is going further.

"I'd make you remember when we do it later." She is jealous indeed, she kiss me way deeper and somehow force me to do the same, to give in to her.

Alright, she win. I kiss her senseless, pull her closer to me.

"AH SO HUNGRY!!!" I heard Wonpil's voice filling up this house just like that, screaming impatiently to tell us to just come out already.

Seolhee laugh and stop the kiss, "Let's go."

Ugh, she's bad.

-


	13. Chapter 13

I feel him moving and tossing on the bed beside me so I open my eyes, that's when I hear voices. Hisses, groans, gasps, moans. I turn to my back, facing the ceiling and sighing deep. Jae laughing helplessly upon hearing my deep annoyed sigh, he awake already. Maybe that's what make him tossing and turning instead of sleeping. I put my wrist to cover my eyes, another helpless sigh come out.

It was kind of hard to accepting the fact that I'd sleep with Jae tonight on the same bed, but I finally succeed and really got asleep, just a couple of hours ago. Now what?

"This is the real purpose of the trip, isn't it?" I whisper to him.

"I don't know." He just laugh, "Who do you think are they?"

"All of them, I heard Ryujin and Sana's voice back and forth with their partners' voice simultaneously." I groan.

Jae sighing and groaning deep too, "Want to catch some fresh air?"

"I'm fine, though. I'm not awkward anymore with this kind of thing." Liar.

He's staring at me and take a deep breath, "I'll go get some air alone, then."

I grip his elbow to hold him from leaving me here alone, "Ah why?" I'm whining.

"I'm not fine." He's gulping down.

"Then, let's just do it like them." I smile, getting up to sitting position and move closer to him. Really, so close, staring at him deep.

Weird that I'm the one who asking this to him. I never ever be the one asking my boyfriend to having sex with me. I used to being afraid and frightened and all that, I never feeling like this, throwing myself just like this to someone.

But here I am, initiating the kiss, teasing him, trying to make him give in. He hug me and reply the kiss with the same urgency for awhile, suck it and even lick and bite it once, and twice.

But suddenly he stop, whisper, "Let's get some fresh air."

"Why? Let's just try again here." I kiss him again, hug his neck tighter.

Our friends' voices still playing every once in a while, getting me more aroused, somehow.

"No, complete your task first."

"I didn't bring the toy."

"Then no." He take my face to stop me from kissing him. "Let's go outside." He pull me up and lead me out of here, sneaking up for not waking up Wonpil and Dowoon who sleep on the TV room. Wonpil on the sofa while Dowoon on the floor with a bed sheet and blanket cover him from head to toe.

"How can they still sleep peacefully with all this noise?" I whisper a little too loud so Jae hug me from the side and cover my mouth with his palm because Dowoon suddenly moving his body just after I said that.

He put his hand away when we're outside, but keep hugging me so I circle my hand on his waist too. Then we walk like this to the swings in the corner of the park, separated from each other when we sit on our own swing. Silence for awhile, we just taking some deep breath enjoying the night air.

And I think this is the perfect timing to talk about it, so I bring it out. "You remember that night? When I got panic attack when we first try it?"

"Hm."

"I want to tell you something. I never talk about this to anyone, even to Ryujin. I thought I can handle this alone, but recently... I just want you to know." I look at him.

He nod his head, "What is it? I'm listening."

"It happened when I was 5, that night... I heard voices, my mom's screaming so I came to my parents' room... She was in pain, she kept shouting that she's hurting, and I saw..." I blink my eyes in panic, "...them. My dad on top of her, naked..." My breathing start to get faster while the images of them that I remembered I saw playing on my mind.

Dark room, my mom's screaming asked him to stop, he's groan but he never stop. He took both of my mom's hands instead and moved his body faster, my mom was screaming louder, then started to cry, and I couldn't move from my place just watching that.

"Their images always appeared when I got panic attack. Everytime someone's there on top of me... that memories appeared." I lick my lip, "And when I open my eyes I would see him, my dad, looking at me in lust." I'm frowning my forehead, "Then I'm afraid... I just want him to stop and get off of me, I couldn't breath."

Jae get up and come to me, covering my hands first that gripping the swing hard, then covering myself, take me to his embrace as much as his standing position allowed him to. He stroking my head slowly.

"They both were calming me down after that, I was crying so hard, but that images... I'm afraid everytime I'm alone with my dad. I understand what was happening that night as I grew up, but..." I take a deep breath again, "She was hurting. I keep thinking that she was really hurting, that what he did to her was hurting her. And I keep imagining me in her position instead, and I'm frightened." My talking become really fast I feel like crying.

"Take a deep breath, Seolhee." Jae kneeling down to look at me in the eyes, "One more time."

I do it as he told me, eyes are looking at him, at his hand that moving up and down in sync with my breathing pace, I trust and believing him fully. And we just staring until my breathing back to normal again, until my heartbeat isn't pounding hard and fast again. And I realized I'm trapped in those eyes again.

"Good job..." he touch my cheek, "...for telling me that..."

I gulp down, "Am I not normal?"

"No. You're experiencing trauma."

I believe him, I believe everything he says to me.

"It must be hard for you."

"I'm just... afraid. I'm afraid that those memories come again." I lick my lips once again, "But I want to do it, I really want to do it with you." I put my hands on his shoulders. "What should I do?"

"Let's stick to the plan. Complete your task, and let's try again. If you're afraid those memories would appear, you can be on the top instead."

I blink and got blank, processing his words. I even tilting my head and frowning.

"If you get afraid when someone's hovering over you, we can just reverse the position. So you won't see him when you look up. You can only look down and see me."

"Why... I never think of that...?"

Jae smirking, "I read a lot of my mom's books, and my mom is a sex therapist."

I'm staring at him deep and moving my face just like that to kiss him. And just like any other kisses we did these days, it turns hot fast. In a minute our tounges are already playing, seriously, at this rate... I'm ready, right?

"Can we just try it now?" I try to change his mind once again.

"No, quickly send me the video first."

"Ah, why?" I'm whining but he just silenced it with another mind blowing kiss.

-

  
**-Jae's PoV-**

I heard voices of two people debating in whisper trying to be quiet. But they still wake me up. I open my eyes lazily, still feeling sleepy because of how late we got to sleep last night, but these voices just bring my consciousness back.

"No, can you taking it aestethicly?" Ryujin nagged, whispering to him unsatisfied.

"I'm working on it." Younghyun whispering annoyingly while still focusing his camera to us, to our sleeping position.

I'm practically hugging Seolhee. One arm under her neck as a pillow, the other circling her body just like her hand circling my body. She hides her face in my embrace comfortably. I'm not sure how we ended up like this, the last thing I remember we lay on our sides to be able to see each other right before we fall asleep.

"What are you doing?" I frowning my forehead annoyed, still sleepy as hell and feeling disorientated.

They smile.

"Sorry. We'll keep quiet." Ryujin whisper quieter. "But..." then she lift both of her thumbs up, smiling excitingly.

"I'm sure I locked the door last night." I mumbled alone.

I see Younghyun's smiling too, "Okay, done. You can go back to sleep."

"We'll wake you guys up again in an hour." Ryujin said before walk out of our room.

I go back to hug her, put my nose on her forehead again, feeling her warm skin then drifting to dreamland once again. This is comfortable, let me enjoy it for a little while.

We played rock-paper-scissor to choose two people to wash the dishes, me and Sana lost. Everyone leaves one by one to pack their stuff before we go back to Seoul, even Seolhee leave me and Sana alone in the kitchen, said that she will pack my stuff as well, but I sensed that she leave us alone intentionally. She give us time to have a little real talk, apparantly.

"The girls talked about many things while we went ingredient shopping this morning." Sana's watching me wiping the utensils with soapy sponge, we played another rock-paper-scissor and I lost again so I do this now while she'll drying the already clean utensils after me. "She said you just helping her to have her first sex experience?"

My hands stop moving for a mere second.

"So you guys aren't really dating?"

I don't know. I'm wondering the same thing yesterday. "What she say about it?"

"She's not sure." I take a glance at her, "She said she just want to achieve her goal first, to having sex with you."

I smirk, "Well... that's what we're supposed to do."

"Then, this dating thing is fake?"

I take a sigh, "At first, it's just to make everything easy for our friends to address us."

"At first? Then, now?"

I pause, "I don't know."

Sana's looking at me long while thinking seriously. "So you still don't know what would you do after you guys having sex later?"

"Hm."

"Want my advice?"

I smirk, "You will tell me to break up with her, won't you?"

I feel her hesitant so I glance at her again then she tilting her head, smiling.

"You still don't know yourself, you fool."

I hiss annoyed, piercing my eyes on her.

"You like her, why you hesitate?" She said it in upset tone, take a wet plate and start to wipe it dry.

"You think I like her?"

She chuckle, "I saw how you look at her when she first came into the gym, it made me annoyed in an instant."

I let out a soft laugh. That time... feel so long ago. It only 3 months, though.

"You brought her to Jeju with a heli out of the blue."

"That was because she cried and I wanted to make her rest and feel better."

Sana turn her head and smile, "That means you like her."

My hand stop moving again. Make sense, though?

"You left me at the hospital and came back to her. You brought her to my birthday. You hugged her for not feeling cold upon being wet. You're here with her. And the way you look at her every moves... you making it so obvious. We're not friends for one or two years, I know you."

I give her my full attention now, staring at her.

"You like her." She said with certainty that even I, myself, don't think I have. And she stop wiping the utensils too. "That's why I did this, to be friends with her. Because I feel how much you like her, that you seriously want to be with her for a long time, that you'd really forget all about me if I keep hating her. I need to put her to my side and be friends with her so that you'd keep taking care of me once in a while and not forgetting me completely."

"I said I won't stop being your friends."

"I know, but that's not the point. The point is, you like her. So you're stupid if you still don't know what to do after you guys achieve your goal."

I blink and gulping down.

"Don't waste her just like that." She said again, genuinely.

"This is not like you."

She smiles, "I won't bothering you that much in the future. I'm a grown up, and I have Sungjin on my side." She said it so confidently then start to wiping again.

I blinking for a couple more, "Sungjin changed you this much?"

She smiles and shrug her shoulders.

"Is he that great in bed?"

She turn hear head quick and fast to me.

"You guys are so loud last night."

She hiccups, embarassed.

I won this conversation and I feel good spending time with her after awhile, so I splash water on her who still hiccuping.

"Don't, really. Before I do the same to you in revenge. You forget that getting revenge is what I'm best at?"

I grin playfully, "Really?" I splash her face again then run away because my job is done already. I leave her who screaming annoyingly.

I get inside the room and found Seolhee still arranging stuff to her bag, "Seolhee!"

She turn herself and I hug her immidiately just like that. My heart flinch.

"Wh... why?" She's stuttered.

"Nothing." I'm smiling.

"Why you suddenly... hug me?"

"Just... want to hug you."

I feel her confusion, but then feel her hands circling my body too. So I hug her tighter.

"Pull off, Han Seolhee." Sana comes with a bowl full of water and I separated from Seolhee, move behind her to cover me from Sana's water bomb.

"Ah, what is this?! Why I'm getting wet again?!" Seolhee's put her arms to her face to cover it from water Sana keep splashing while I keep hiding behind her.

I successfully getting away, running out of the room with Seolhee and Sana's screaming as the backsound.

"NOISY!" Wonpil and Dowoon scream somewhere.

Why am I feel so happy, though? I even singing Bruno Mars' song to tease Sana, screaming, "Cause your sex takes me to paradise." repeatedly through this house.

I feel so good and light, this is strange but hey, welcome.

-


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, this chapter contain smut

**-Jae's PoV-**

"She must be frightened all the time she lived with her dad. Although it wasn't fully his fault, she must never feeling safe when she was alone with him. That's what makes her fear piled up through times." My mom said after I told her Seolhee's story on the phone. "You need to make her feel safe to doing it with you, by your words, or actions. Make her feel safe to give herself to you, make her trust you to be the place she can let her guard down and finally let you do something to her."

I'm gulping down. "Does she need... medication?"

"Let's see what happen first, try it one more time. She finished all the tasks tremendously, so we can hope for a change." I feel her smiling, "Now here's what you can do in the process, distract her from remembering what she saw and recorded by her brain. Prevent her brain to playing a scene that never even happened to her. Avoid things that lead to that hallucination, replace it with other things that still pleasurable."

I groan in silence, this is starting to makes me a little uncomfortable to talking this stuff with her again, "What if she still gets panic attack?"

"That's the cue for you to stop and not push her, that means she doesn't ready yet. Stop and give her another time, I'll prescribe medication then." She sigh, "But it will be so hard for you."

I know, "She seems confident to try these days, she seems impatient."

"That's because she indeed gained confidence from all the tasks you gave her. She feel so much fine after finishing all those tasks makes her think that she healed. But no one knows for sure at least until you guys try the actual deal."

I take another deep breath.

"Despite what the results later, I'm proud of you, son. Decided to really do this is already a brave move, I'm happy hearing those progresses she made. You're doing great."

I chuckled before thank her too that she helped me go through this, then I say goodbye and disconnect the call.

I found Seolhee's message just then, it's a video attachment. It got me stiff right away because I know exactly what it means. Why it has to be sent in the morning, though?

I groan, but press play still.

  
-

"Still no respon?" Ryujin asked impatiently about the video I sent to Jae this morning. We're just finished our last class today, and she asked that the moment our professor dismissed the class. She's as curious as me about Jae's respon.

I completed the task, finally. I took his advice about being on top so I did it on my knees, with my hand gripping the head of my bed tight. And voila, I did it. I successfully not thinking about that night, I think of him instead, and although it kind hard at first, I did it in the end. I come hard for the second time while gripping the bed sheet hard in all four position. Now I can't keep my thoughts away from it and I impatiently want to hear his respon, because I sent the video already this morning, but he still not say anything. It's 2PM, and it's starting to make me feel nervous. He used to call me right away to talk about it, to make me feel less ashamed.

Now I'm ashamed.

I grab my phone from my bag to check it again, then my heart stops. Not literally, but yeah. I got blank, just watching his message, sent around an hour ago.

_This friday, my place?_

I bite my bottom lip and slowly form a smile, makes Ryujin snatch my phone, literally can't hold her impatient anymore. She's screaming loud immidiately then typing fast, _"Love it ❤"_ She replied his chat speaking on my behalf.

She look at me then, trying to relax me, "Listen, just do like you did all this time, okay? You knew how it felt already, it won't get really different from what you did last night." I'm nodding my head hearing her advice, "Just go on top of him like he said." She whisper.

I'm smiling and nodding my head but still feel the nervousness, but excited at the same time, and really looking forward to it, but still kind of afraid too. It's really a mixed feeling and it's messing up beautifully on my mind and it creating chaos but I kind of like it. But I shouldn't think about it right now, because I still need to function normally in front of people through the rest of the day.

But I admit that I can't stop smiling. And when I see him standing outside of this building, my smile just like move bigger and wider. I feel overwhelming, my chest feels like it going to burst. He's smiling too and there's this weird feeling that urge me to come to him immidiately. So I run to him.

"What's with her?" I still can heard Younghyun asked Ryujin, surprised.

"Hey no need to run, he's not going anywhere!" I heard Ryujin screaming but I don't bother it.

I keep running, feeling the wind flowing, blowing my face and moving my hair to the back. I'm smiling even more when I see him running to me too.

We're hugging without slowing down a little bit, throw ourselves to each other in a hug to literally stop our running. My hands circling on his waist while he hug my back tight. Our breathing sounds overlapping each other.

"We fit so perfectly." He said, "Like this."

"Why you running?"

"Because I saw you running?"

"You could just wait, I come to you."

"I want to come to you, too."

"Hey, you guys shooting a romantic drama or what? What's with the running? It's cringy." Ryujin frowning her forehead in cringeness when she and Younghyun stand around us.

I laugh and finally pull off of him to face them.

"Good luck for this friday, man." Younghyun extend his fist to Jae who got a little confused upon knowing that Younghyun knew already about our plan on friday.

But then Jae smile and bump his fist to Younghyun's while thank him for the support. Okay but this is kind of weird. Aren't we taking this topic too casually right now? I used to uncomfortable though when they talking about my sexual issues, but now I feel fine. Casually fine. I used to hate how Younghyun teasing and mocking me about it but now I feel his honesty in supporting Jae.

"Let's celebrate it later once you guys succeed." Younghyun said again.

Okay now that feeling comes, the embarassment, "Go, quickly!"

Both Younghyun and Ryujin are laughing happily, "Don't forget to play it safe!" She scream after they got some steps away from us.

"Don't worry I'm experienced." Jae responded very confidently. "You're blushing, cute." He said to me, watching my face still with big smile on his face.

I look at him smiling too.

"I'm proud of you."

"But why your respon came so long?"

"Do you... still have to ask that?"

I'm laughing without a sound, "I did a good job, didn't I?"

"You did." He take my cheek to him and kiss me once. Then hold my face literally with both of his hands to lift it up and bring it to him so he can kiss me deeper.

"Can't we just do it now?"

He smile and stop the kiss to look at me, "Take a deep breath."

I do it, just like how he told me.

"This friday."

"Friday would come very slowly."

"It's tomorrow." He laugh.

"It feels so long already." We're kissing again.

"HEY GET A ROOM!" I heard Sana's voice somehow so I pull off my lips from the kissing to find her walking with Sungjin, holding hands.

But Jae turn my face again to him, "Don't bother them." and back to kiss me again, really not bothering them a little bit.

-

  
_Jae: want to go for a drive first?_

I form a smile upon reading his message. "We're done here, right?" I asked Ryujin beside me.

She forced me to follow her and got this treatment, it's for newlywed, though. But she insisted that what I'm going to experience tonight is like what newlywed's gonna experience, so... I gave up and followed her. It was the most painful and embarassing 3 and a half hours in my entire life. Thankfully, I'm impress with the result right now. I look fresh and clean.

She's inspecting me, from my head to toes, then nodding her head as an approval, "Perfect. You're pretty." She's tapping my right shoulder satisfied.

I smile then moving my thumbs to reply Jae's message, and he reply back fast.

_Jae: wait there, coming to you in 20 minutes_

"Jae will be here in like 20 minutes, let's grab something to eat first, I'm hungry." I said to Ryujin who just finishing our payment.

"He might gonna treat you dinner, though."

"But I'm SO HUNGRY. I won't make it for the next 20 minutes."

She laughing and we stop by the first sandwich stall we see and munching it fast. I keep saying for the million times that I'm hungry to death, and she just nodding her head, agreeing the fact that she actually hungry too.

"I hope it will going well this time." She said in the middle of her eating.

I nod my head, "Me too." I gulping down, "I really wish I succeed this time, really don't want to disappoint him."

"That's not the right mindset. You shouldn't disappoint yourself. You. The main hero here is you."

That makes me get silence and just staring at her.

"Touched?"

I grimmace at her, feeling undoubtedly thankful, and blessed that I have her in my life who accompany me to get through this thing I'm struggling with.

Jae's calling right after I finish my sandwich, so I excuse myself and say goodbye to Ryujin who will waiting Young. K for some movie date. I walk fast to this mall's main entrance in so much light step, smiley face, and so much exciting feeling filling up inside me. Strange.

And when I finally see him behind the wheel, looking especially handsome today, it just makes me smile wider. And I like this atmosphere, I keep smelling some nice fragrance, not sure from me or from him, or if it just from the car air freshner, but it feels nice. It sets my mood perfectly I'm feeling so much fine. Good. I'm feeling good.

"You looks prettier today." He said trying to sound nonchalant.

"You looks especially handsome too." Unlike him, I don't hide anything in my tone of voice. I sounds so excited, even looking directly at him to show it.

"Want some ice cream first?"

"What is this?" I lean my shoulder to the seat, sitting to my side in order to look at him fully. "A ride and ice cream, is this some kind of appetizer?" I'm smiling.

He doesn't answer, intentionally focus on driving the car for awhile, turn left and following the road by the river. It's golden hour and the river view looks exceptionally beautiful now.

"I can jump straight to the main course, though." I tease him.

Oh my goodness, I dare to tease him now, what happened to me in this past 5 months?

He let out a little helpless laugh, "You got impatient these days, you know that?"

"I feel so ready."

"You're not afraid?" He asked softly while slowing the car too before stop it completely at the side road to focus on talking to me. That's when he finally looking at me. "Or nervous?"

I roll my eyes and thinking, am I afraid now?

"Right now? No. Not at all."

"Really?"

I nod my head but he gulping down.

"Listen, Seolhee. I want to make sure, how are you feeling right now?"

"Good. Exciting, and really looking forward for tonight."

"Not afraid, or... nervous? Shy...?"

"You saw me come twice, what should I get shy for again?" I look at him bravely. I really not feeling shy at all. He saw me, the whole me uncovered. And it just not explicitly but also implicitly. He see through me to the deepest of my soul. He taking care all of my struggles. I'm see-through now, he already saw the whole me. "You knew all my problems, what should I get afraid of again?"

I look at him in such a serious and sureness stare. I never feel so sure in my life like this.

"I trust you." That's it, I said it.

He smile, "I want to make you feel safe."

"You already did."

He take my hand, "Remember, you're not in danger. I won't hurt you, I'll stop as soon as you're feeling uncomfortable, just say it. And I won't leave you alone again if it doesn't work."

"Really? You won't leave me alone again?" I grip his hand.

He shake his head, "No. I'll be with you."

"What if I lock myself again in the bathroom?"

"I'll wait until you come out."

"What if I running outside?" I smile.

"That happened before?" He whispered in high tone.

I laugh, "No."

"You're teasing me now?"

I laugh harder, "Who knows? Maybe that would happen later."

"I'd running behind you, then. I'd stop you."

I still laughing. Why I laugh so much, though? I feel so hype.

"What happened to you? Are you that happy? We still not doing anything, though."

"That's why... let's just go home and do it."

"Let's watch the sunset first." He try to focus on the sunset upon a river but I distract him again.

"Who's the most beautiful right now, me or the sunset?" I wink at him when he look at me again, one side of my head still on the seat comfortably and one of my hand still held by him.

"Unexpectantly, you."

"Unexpectantly?!" I want to protest but my mouth got shutted down, my lips got covered by his lips.

I smile on the kiss immidiately, happy. But the kiss turn hot so fast we got out of breath in no time. My other hand touch and grip his neck, pull him even more to me, and I suck his lips hard, deep. Again and again, I can't open my eyes. Is the sun sets already?

"You smell so good." He whisper on my lips.

"They put many things on my body. I did a complete newlywed treatment today." I smooch his lips to emphasize my words, "Wanna smell and taste the other parts?"

He push me to sit properly until my back and head resting on the seat, I gasp. He kiss me harder it makes me let out a sudden moan, put both of my hands on his neck. "Forget the ice cream." I whisper while trying to catch a breath in between our kisses.

But he still kissing me eagerly.

"Let's go to your house quickly." I insisted impatiently.

He smooch my lips one more time before finally back to his seat and starting to drive again, leaving me breathless just like that with my back still pressing tight on the seat, blinking my eyes and licking my lips, trying to calm this adrenaline rush running through my body. Looking at the sky that already turn dark.

I want to rush, I want him completely for me, but he sure planning to build this tension slowly, in excruciatingly slow pace, give me different feels everytime he do new things to my body. It makes me gasping for air, back arching in reflex, moaning in surprise, and whimpering upon this aroused feeling I felt. And the way he keep telling me what he's going to do in order for not making me shocked or taken aback, trying to make this as comfortable as he can, is sweet.

I feel him on my bare stomach, kissing and sucking the skin very sensually then moving up, give another deep suck on my breasts once again before landing his lips on my neck, receiving another moans as a reward from me.

"I'm gonna touch you down there." He whisper on my ear.

I gulp down. This is when I got panic attack the last time.

"Focus on my lips." He lick and nibble the skin around my ear. He take off my underwear, followed by his fingers wonder around. "Focus on me." He said again and kiss my lips deeper to distract me from what's happening down there.

He put his finger in, and I gasp, but it got muffled by his lips that kissing me, distracting me again, makes me focus on kissing him back again. The moment I realized about what happened down there, I feel two -or three?- of his fingers already move in and out of me.

I'm breathing hard and fast in panic, gasping for air and close my eyes.

"Breathe slowly, Seolhee." He said upon realizing my breathing changes and my grip tighten on his neck. "Open your eyes. You won't see him if you open your eyes." He sounds so far away at one moment but I do what he said then I feel him here again. I open my eyes, still feeling the movement of his fingers on me, in and out slowly.

"Who do you see?"

I lick my lips, "You, Park Jaehyung." I said breathlessly between my whimper.

"Right, you see me. Not anyone else, it's me." He stop and pull out his fingers, sitting up, take off his pants and grab a condom. "You want to be on top like we plan, or you want to challenge yourself beneath me?" He roll the condom fast.

I gulp down, "Challenge."

"God, you're beautiful." He squeeze my breast. "Insanely beautiful." He start to kissing my skin again. "And tasty. You taste good." He kiss me, "I'm going in."

I frowning my forehead.

"Feel my lips." He said in order to distract me again. "And my hands." He squeezes my breast.

But I can't help but breathing hard and fast when he enter me, I gritted my teeth, and close my eyes. I feel like I loose myself again, like I'm not here, but there on the dark room watching my parents through the door, feeling my dad pushing hard, not into my mom but into me.

"Seolhee!" I heard Jae's voice calling my name from afar, "Open your eyes. Please open your eyes."

I forcingly open my eyes and see him, realizing that I already breathing so hard and gasping for air, my chest moving up and down, my hand gripping the sheet so tight. Jae put a hand on my face, cup my cheek and caress it, wiping my tears that fall down.

"Who do you see?"

I blinking fast at him and lick my lips, trying to breathe calmer, "You, Park Jaehyung." My grip on the sheet got loosen up.

"Only me. You only see me now, no one else but me." He kiss me softly, "Feel my lips again."

I start to kissing him again and that makes my breathing slowing down magically. I feel so full suddenly then realized he's there inside me. Can't believe what I feel, I try to look down to see it with my own eyes.

"We're connected now." He smile, "Interesting, isn't it?"

I unknowingly hug him.

"How do you feel?" He asked and kind of move his hips very slightly to test me.

And I feel it more, him inside me, literally. Interesting indeed. "Kind of... weird...?"

He moves more, this time he pull out slightly and slide in slowly. I grimmace, frowning my forehead. He do it again, pull out more and slide in slowly again, it makes me bite my bottom lip. He do it once again, pull out almost all of it and slide in sowly once again. I feel the pain but it's bearable, until he push right back in a little bit faster, I scream.

"It hurts!"

"Alright, I do it slowly." He whisper on my ear.

So he repeat what he did slowly for awhile. He lift up his head to look at me, checking my expressions, "Who do you see?"

"Ah, Jae..." I throw my head up, see the ceiling, and Jae catch the chance to suck my neck.

"How do you feel now?"

I just moan to answer him, I feel his hips going faster somehow, already creating a rhythm now.

"You're so tight." He grunting too now, "My goodness you feels so good."

Our breathing chasing each other now, and I thrust my hips up unknowingly, want to feel him more. We both moaning, groaning, whimpering, thrusting hard, making a skin-slapping sound.

"Tell me who do you see now?"

"Park Jaehyung..." I said it in a moan kind of tone, grip his neck tighter I think my nails scrapping his skin already so I move it to his hair instead, grip it tight.

"Right, say my name like that, you looks and sounds so hot." He grinding sometimes in between his thrusts.

"Ah, Jae... I..."

He knows what I'm gonna say, "Keep moving, come to me." He move even faster I can't believe it. Then he grinding harder and faster making me go to heaven effortlessly.

I screaming, can't believe what I heard from my own mouth, my back arching, I come so hard this is insane. This is different from how I came before this. I still feel so full, and he still moving his hips chasing his release.

This is pure bliss, so much pleasure. I'm breathing fast.

He's watching me reach an orgasm is the sexiest thing I ever see from him. He smile and looking so proud of me, but so done at the same time.

"Ugh, I love you so much." He chase his release, groaning, put his face on my neck again, moving even more frantic.

I pulse my pussy walls unknowingly making him groan harder and move frantically harder, erratically. "God damn, I love you so much." He come hard, breathless.

We both are, breathless.

Why the common words like I love you feel so special now?

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is my first time writing smut with this much details, so please bare with it 😂


	15. Chapter 15

**-Jae's PoV-**

She looks so peaceful and pretty. Beautiful. I want to keep touching and kissing her but I don't want to wake her up, so I do nothing but staring at her. Last night was amazing, I surely want to remember it and I hope it feels as amazing for her. She was glowing all night, she sounds exceptionally dizzying, I was drunk on her. It was innocently erotic. I still can feel her vein pulsating, her gasping for air, her grip on my neck and nails on my skin, her moans and whimpers. It still dizzying and I feel like drunk on it again just thinking about it. It was so hot, and I thank God that she got through it this time. I thank god that we finally reach our goal, that I don't need to holding back anymore now.

I want us to keep being together, I want to taste it again and again, feel it again and again, explore her more, make her screaming my name more, and more.

I smile and give her a very light touch on the cheek with the back of my forefinger. Her skin is so soft I could touch and kiss it all day and never get bored.

"You have pretty eyelashes." I mumbled and touch it very carefully with the back of my forefinger. "Your eyelids are pretty, too. I love it." I whisper clearly now, back to caressing her cheek.

She shifted in her sleep and that's when I sense that she's awake already, eventhough she still not open her eyes yet.

"I love your skin, it's insanely soft, warm, and smells nice that I want to kiss it all day." I see her smile, but still closing her eyes. She's completely awake now. "But I love your lips the most." I move my fingers to her lips, "Moist, round and full, tasteful, and makes me craving for it when it smiles." It makes her smiling more.

"What else?" She whisper still with her eyes closed.

"I love your hair, how it falls effortlessly beautiful, the color's so contrast with your white skin. It's dazzling." Now I touch the strand of her hair on her neck. "I love your neck too, especially when you're gulping down nervously when I do something to your body." And she do it. She's gulping down when my forefinger moving around her throat.

She open her eyes.

"Good morning." I said to her with a smile. She just staring at me, half asleep, trying to process everything. I let her fully awake for awhile, but never take my eyes off of her.

"How's your feeling?" My hand lingers there on her neck, refuse to take it away from there, want to keep feeling her warmth.

"I feel like I don't want to wake up, this is so comfortable, so good."

"And what do you think about last night?"

"I love it."

"Yeah?"

"I love it a lot."

"You were hurt, though."

"At first, but..." She's blushing, "...it turned out good, so I love it." She's touching me now, touching my hair lightly on my forehead. "Thank you so much."

"No, I thank you so much."

"I'm not a virgin anymore." She smile happily, "You give beautiful meaning to my first time experience. You're beautiful."

I kiss her, can't really contain this overflowing feeling anymore. I whisper to her in the kisses, "You're a lot more beautiful."

-

  
Ryujin and Younghyun sent me a congratulations message almost at the same time. Weird, I frowning my forehead while reply her message.

_Me: I didn't say anything though, how do you know we succeed?_

Then she sent me a sreenshot of Jae's social media updates, he shared a song, Bruno Mars' Locked Out of a Heaven. Somehow it explains everything.

_Ryujin: I didn't know Jae is a heart-throb, cute_

_Me: he's the sweetest_

_Ryujin: TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!_

I smile but don't reply her again because Jae just come out after shower, smelling so good and looks so fresh with new clothes.

"Make up your mind already?" He asked.

"Let's just grab some sandwich."

"Alright, let's go." He reaching out his hand to me and I take it right away. He intertwine it, but then he put our intertwined hands to my back as he trying to cuddle me from the side too, making my hand twisting weirdly.

I laugh, "Decides one, holding hands or cuddling?"

"Alright," he laugh and let go of my hand, then. Decided to take me to his embrace while walking on the street to the nearest sandwich store.

I circle my hand on his waist then, throwing myself fully to him. I'm just so happy, my heart feels like to explode, but instead of vomitting fire and ashes, it would be flower petals all over the place in different kind of colors.

"The flowers are blooming." I said nonchalantly upon seeing some flowers already blooms.

"Pretty." He's looking at it too.

And my hearts nervous because of that. Is this why couple like spring? When those flowers blooms in time with their love blooms, it surely give this fluttering and lovely atmosphere, it's like I'm so loved. Is that why those love songs about spring and blooming love become so relatable? Like the universe celebrating together with you? Like you've been approved by the universe?

Whatever.

What important is... I like this. I like him and I like this, I want to cherish it while it lasts.

"Who's prettier, me or those flowers?"

"Even in the midst of all the flowers, you are still extremely pretty." He staring at me, "Besides, flowers will fall in the end."

"I will fall too."

"Then I'll choose those flowers."

I smirk and let out a helpless laugh. We laugh through the rest of the road. Ah seriously, I'm just so happy. Also... I'm experienced now. That one particular feelings of achieving my goal also made my day and set my mood perfectly. I'm smiling all day.  
  


But that's it.

We separated all happy that day after the breakfast but he didn't call or text me all weekend. I'm waiting though.

Are we done?

That question just popped out like that. I got my first experienced, and Sana isn't bothering him now, we succeed all the things we've been planning. So are we done? We got no more purpose to continue this bond, so he's finishing it now? He's leaving me now or what? Why he didn't call me?

Or he might just be busy.

"So, tonight's your badminton date?"

I stare at Ryujin, don't know what to say about that because Jae still not contacting me and I don't know if we're gonna meet tonight and spend time like we usually do in badminton court. Should I just call or text him first?

"What? Still no text?"

I nodding my head.

"Just reach him first."

"What if he meant the last time we hang out is a goodbye? Well, we did all the things we've planning to do. There's no reason we should be together again."

Ryujin smile, "No way. There's no way he stop your relationship just like that, you silly. Maybe he's still thinking about it too, about what he should do to your relationship. He doesn't seems like the type to disappear without proper goodbye."

Right, he's so much better than that.

"Besides, you always allowed to reach him first." She assured me.

Okay, so I grab my phone to text him. But before I finish typing, his message come in, makes me smile and whisper to Ryujin about it.

_Jae: want me to pick u up?_

_Me: I thought you forgot about me_

_Jae: sorry, been busy and have so much to think abt, so?_

_Me: alright pick me up_

_Jae: will be there in an hour_

_Me: noted_

I smile and get up right away to get ready, suddenly feeling excited, but nervous at the same time. I know I shouldn't expect anything, but the feeling of knowing that I'm going to meet him and spend another time together is fluttering. It stir something in my heart, like a hope.

Younghyun come not long after, with his racket bag in his hand, he's wearing his badminton outfit already.

"Get ready, babe."

I frowning my forehead just like Ryujin, we're confused.

"Another double date."

"Jae didn't say anything about double date."

"He called me personally. Come on, get ready, I'll explain while you're getting ready."

"He called you? He didn't call me all weekend but he called you?!"

"Wow girl, relax."

"What did he say?"

"He doesn't want to pressure you."

I'm frowning my forehead again.

"He doesn't want you to be awkward and feel the obligation to keep being with him. You reached your goal, and there's no reason for you to keep being with him, so he doesn't want you to force yourself to keeping the relationship. And he doesn't want you to feel awkward today so he invited me."

"What a nonsense." Ryujin's head appear from her room to saying that to us, but get back to getting herself ready.

"He doesn't want me?"

"That... is the thing you should ask him personally. I can just assume, and I don't think that's the case. He just confused and being careful with you. He wants you to decide, he respect your feeling."

"He's being unreasonably funny. Doesn't he see how Seolhee look at him all this time?" Ryujin come with her racket bag, with her badminton outfit already fit her slim body perfectly.

"What's the deal? When you started doing this with him, what was your deal?" Younghyun asked me without minding her girlfriend's sentence.

"I just want his help to be my first, I don't care if it means he become my boyfriend or not in the process, I just want to have my first sex."

"That's it." Younghyun nodded, "You can make it clear tonight. He invited us just to makes you feel relax, he saw how carefree you were the last time we hang out together, so..."

So we hang out together.

It's unnecessary, though. I feel so much comfortable with him already, and I make myself sure already that I want to keep being with him. After all the things he did for me? After all the things we did together? Of course I'll be with him, there's not a single doubt that I still want to be with him. I still want him with all my heart, I even want to taste him again. My first night was amazing, I couldn't think to have it any other way with any other guy, I still so thankful to him.

So I show him the best of me. How carefree and happy I am when I'm with him, whether if there's other people with us or not. I'm smiling genuinely to him when we score a point, yes we're on a team now playing against Younghyun and Ryujin in mix double match. We do high five everytime we scores and I'm smiling wide everytime we do that. It makes him give a meaningful stare at me along with his smile. Sometimes he look at me deep and intense, like he want to just take me away from here forgetting the game, but I found him hesitating and hold himself one or two times, as his effort to giving me freedom to take my time to think about this. Which is pointless because I already threw myself into him. I just playing along now.

"Why you suddenly good at this?" I asked Ryujin after they scored a point.

Ryujin just smiling, "The last time was just an acting, you know? To brighten up the mood. This is my real skill."

"Hey! I lost one coupon wish because of you!" I start to nagging at her and the atmosphere of this gym become bright, just like the last time we did the double date.

But although Ryujin is showing her real skill to us, me and Jae still unbeatable due to the practices we did and our experiences at playing this sport. The opposite team soon left behind, we have big gap to our scores in no time as me and Jae play more earnest and comfortable with each other. We discussed our strategy freely in the middle of the game, he leads me so well through the game, smiling warmly, touch my back a couple times slowly with his racket before we started to serve, and do high fives everytime we score. But those cute little caring acts soon turn to something more when he help me getting up after I fell down chasing the shuttlecock Younghyun hit wittily to the empty spot of my court. He touch my waist and circle his hand there to pull me up, asking if I'm okay in whisper.

"It hurts." I said to tease him and get his attention, acting like my ankle is in pain.

"Where?" He get on his knee to see my legs to find some bruises or something, but I'm sure there are none. Because I'm fine.

But I feel my heart beats faster when he do that, when he closing his face around my lower parts of my body, I feel the tension. A sexual tension I never felt before when I'm with a guy.

"Hurt where? Here?" He touching my right calf and ankle here and there to find the spot that's hurting, but I just looking down at him, not showing any indications that I'm in pain. I'm staring at him intensely instead when he look up his face to me.

I take a deep breath silently hoping he doesn't noticed my nervousness, but he did, apparantly. Because he look at me deep as well now, and I have a strange urge feeling to touch his sweaty forehead and kiss it, or put my hand on his hair let it fill every gap of my fingers, I bet it would be so soft.

A loud bang heard from the bleachers make our attentions break from each other. I found the opposite court is empty already, Ryujin and Younghyun are on the bleachers, getting their stuff inside their bag in hurry.

"We have urgent thing to do." Ryujin said, ready to leave.

"I'm sorry guys, I think that's all for tonight. We gotta leave first." Younghyun's smiling meaningfully while letting his body got dragged by Ryujin to leave this place already without making anymore nonsense comment, "Take your time, slowly." He's nodding his head, now grinning playfully at us.

I look at them confused but somehow know what they're planning to do. They want us to be alone to settle things comfortably after creating a relax atmosphere between us. It seems successful but I nervous still when realized that Jae is still on his knee watching them leave.

I reach out my hand to him when he finally put his attention back at me. "I'm fine." I smile and he take my hand, use it as leverage to pull himself up.

"Yeah?" We're staring evenly now, close.

I can feel his warmth radiating from his body due to badminton match we just had. I smile while nodding my head, unknowingly put my hand on his forehead to wipe his sweat, "You're sweating so much."

He stay still for awhile just staring at me. But then he call my name in softest way, at least that's how I heard it, soft.

I give him my full attention, looking at his eyes and feel this sexual tention just appear, going around us like that, without permission. And he's a brave gentlemen who doesn't feel the need to get permission from me anymore to kiss me. He just kiss me.

As much as I got taken aback, I kiss him back trying to match his pace, to be on the same page, and I'm smiling happily.

He stop the kissing and ask, "So I still your boyfriend?" He cup my cheek on his hand.

"I'm crazy if I let you go just like that."

He smile, "Yeah?" then he kiss me again still with smile on his face, happily.

And the kiss turn hotter fast. I let go of my racket and let it fall to the ground to hug him on his neck with both of my hands, to kiss him deeper. I tilt my head left and right to feel him more. Our lips collides in a hot dance is the best feeling ever and I don't want it to stop.

He grip my waist once before moving his hands down to my back thigh and pull me close, make me put up my leg to him. One, then two, I'm circling his body completely now with my hands and my legs. Jae somehow move us to the net, turn our body so that I lean my back on the firm net as an substitution of the wall. It makes me gasping nervously I thought I'm gonna fall down on my back, but no. The net is as firm as the wall to support my body. Such a good quality net.

Feeling comfortable enough, I finally put my hand on his hair, grab it with my fingers, feel it on every gap, while our kissing get intensifies. I think I moaning already, and surely gasping once or twice when I feel him grinding to me. His hand start to wondering my body, caressing and gripping softly, until it stay still on my bare thigh. My skirt is up already.

"Let's go to your place." I whisper impatiently.

"How about your place this time?" He kiss one corner of my lips softly now.

"Ryujin and Younghyun might be there."

"So we can repay what they did to us at the guesthouse." He smile playfully.

"Oh, good idea." I'm staring at him.

He does the same, staring at me deep, full of love. "Want to sign up for intermediate lesson?"

I smile, "There are level?"

"Intermediate, then advanced level after that, and also extreme level. Aren't you curious about what extreme level is?"

"BD... SM...?"

He smiles, "I saw fear flashing in your eyes."

I'm gulping down.

"But intermediate first. Hm?"

"Okay, deal." I smile and smooch him again fast. "Let's go." I jump down from him and take his hand. I'm the one who take his hand now.

I'm healed and ready for another adventurous lessons from him.

**-THE END-**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for reading until the end. If you like it, please leave a kudos, or if there anything you feel off, feel free to leave a comment :) 
> 
> A fun journey once again through writing so I hope you like it :)


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